Blog entry for:

i can either do this easily and just do it or i can do it the hard way, kicking and screaming until the pain gets to the point that i just cannot stand it.
an intriguing thought, that there is an easier and softer way, maybe. For me surrender does not come easily and to surrender without conditions is in itself that much more difficult.
i find myself surrendering to the program with conditions:

• i will surrender when i get my bills paid
• i will surrender when i find a better job
• i will surrender when i have a hot new toy
• ...and on and on and on ...

each of these "little" conditions takes me further from the core of this program and deeper into self-will and the disease of addiction.
i find myself this morning pondering the nature of my expectations of the program and recovery in general, and of course i cannot see the forest before the trees. as one of my peers likes to remind me, everything i put before my program is subject to loss.
what this all adds up to is that i seem to expecting tangible rewards just because i have remained abstinent for a period of time. i forget that recovery is the only reward i need and can expect and that is dependant on how well i surrender on a day-to-day basis. doing the next right thing is itself a reward because today i have the ability to see and choose my actions and understand what exactly is the next right thing
-- DT --