Blog entry for:

ounce of force possible, before caving in and accepting the fact that, under my own steam, i am powerless over addiction. yes i like to think i have power over all sorts of things, especially my will and my life. my illusion can be maintained often for months at a time, because i have acquired a bit of grace when it comes to recovery. even so, if i choose to think about it, and i do not moist of the time, the fact that i have received grace, is in and of itself, evidence of the work i have done to reach this point in my recovery. and yet, i still hold on to trying to “fix” myself and fill that gaping maw of emptiness with things and a whirlwind of activity.
surrender, even when i use my definition of it, is a tough thing for me to do.for some reason, maybe culture, maybe genetics or maybe just because i am a stubborn and controlling sort of guy, i just do not surrender until i absolutely have to. as a result, i have paid far too much to the credit card companies for debts i acquired while trying to fill that emptiness with things. i have regrets about the opportunities i missed while trying to be the epitome of selfless service. in fact, as i do a quick review of how i got to where i am today, each and every time i did not want to appear as i am, there was a little piece of something that quenched those fears and allowed me to hold on to something far longer than i needed to. and yet, given another opportunity, i do it all over again.
before i get accused of overstating the obvious, this does not and is not ALWAYS the case for me. my debt has been considerably reduced. i no longer “crow” about how i serve my fellowship or about my latest “good deed.” my sense of what i am “owed” by the world in general has been diminished and the grace i spoke of earlier is a big factor in my day to day life. those are certainly symptoms of my surrender to the program but hardly indicative of total and unconditional surrender. in fact, all that is , is one heck of a good start. i never expect to become some sort of guru, who lives in a state of total surrender and acceptance. i do, however, expect to become better at attaining something much closer to that state, IF i continue to surrender to the program of recovery that has brought me this far.
all of that is well and good, the past well maybe not so good. the future? well maybe not quite as perfect as i would like it to be. the problem however, is this is a just for today kind of life for me these days and the question becomes am i willing to surrender without conditions, right here and right now, and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life? as i sit here pounding this out, the answer is, of course! twenty minutes from now, as i commute to work? well i will see. the joke really is on me. i can be miserable, entitled and pissed off, or i can let go and allow myself the freedom to breathe. one will see which Don hoits the road, i am certainly hoping for one, that has just the tiniest bit of grace, just for today.

∞ DT ∞