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although i can make it as easy or as hard as i choose, i will do it. thinking back over the past 48 hours, i freaked an old-timer out the other night, when he asked me how i was doing and i told him i was fVcked up. it was true, on Tuesday, that i felt like some sort of nasty zit, full of pus, just ready to pop spontaneously and gush out tons of gross gory goo. yesterday, surprisingly, i was much less pent-up and more tolerant, and the climax of my day, was my FIFTH STEP, one of the most cleansing, healing experiences in my recovery to date. oh by no means am i all better or cured, but a whole lot of the anger that has been bubbling under the surface for all these years has been released and i am grateful that i no longer NEED to carry the guilt and shame of someone else, for any reason. yes, you read that correctly. part of the my baseline anger was the secret i carried, along with the shame, and responsibility for the action of another person. yes i am still pissed at what they did. yes i can admit that i am anger and hurt by their actions. and yes, i can even learn how to tolerate sharing a room with them as i need to, to be a part of the life i have been given. perhaps, the time will come when i can even forgive them for the pain they caused, but that day is not today. i want to feel so dumb, for carrying someone else's burden of guilt and shame, and that as my sponse so elegantly and succinctly put it last night is my addiction working me over again. taking what is a healing and life defining moment and turning it against me, once again.
i can and will be better, all i have to do, is to surrender to a few basic facts of life.

1. i am an addict
2. i am powerless over my addiction
3. my life is unmanageable
4. and no matter how much i try and deny it, i can ONLY stay clean through the application of POWER from outside of me!

of course, i want to hedge those facts and spin them, i would not be an addict if i wanted to do anything else. but as one of my FaceBook friends is demonstrating, coming back from a relapse is nowhere as easy as just staying clean today, no matter what. just staying clean, means that when the part of me that i call addiction starts to tell me that i am somehow different, i have to remember that agenda is destructive and certain to be fraught with peril. what i want is FREEDOM and using is not the path what i desire. what i want is to be the man, i have always dreamed of being and acting-out and carrying other people's garbage and sewage is not going to get me there. living the lie, that everything is alright, while convenient for the past few weeks, has taken its toll on me and my friend, put off as he was, probably made a good choice to step quickly away the other night.
what will this morning after bring? well a long run, some work, lunch with a friend and some time teaching him about the wonderful world of computing. my life is better today than yesterday, so i think i will take advantage of my new found freedom and hit the streets before the heat sets in once again. IT IS A GREAT DAY TO BE CLEAN!

∞ DT ∞