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in outcomes IF i choose to surrender, drives me to distraction and certainly allows me to paint myself into corners i have no bidness being in, in the first place. this morning, there is more than one thing that i have no power over, driving me to distraction. it is as if every time i send an e-mail, no one is reading it. worse, the member of my team, who is supposed to have my back, is fawning all over an unacceptable solution. to top it all off, the sale of our timeshare has hit <SURPRISE> another snag and the broker does not want to put down in writing what is really going on. so i am getting lesson after lesson, on how powerless i am and wondering WTF is going on. the part i am really looking at, is where did i get the notion i had any power at all, in either of these arenas and when will i just turn it over and walk away.
for me, surrender never comes easy. the term, in and of itself, sends shivers of rebellion up and down my spiritual spine. i was taught to stand up for myself and fight to the death. even after some time clean, echoes of that early training, still come barrelling down the pike and i choose battles to wage that i cannot win. i seem to be emulating Don Quixote, living in the fantasy that windmills are dragons that require slaying. in all honesty., the reading this morning does provide me a minute to pause and consider what i am trying to manipulate and control and whether or not my efforts are getting anywhere close to succeeding. the facts of the matter is, no they are not. my Mexican escrow account is still tied up in bureaucracy. my team mate still lacks any sense of what we do and how we do it. my client's other vendors still have their head in the sand about what they think is going on. and me? well i am pissed off and angry and ready to apply any iota of power i may find laying along the side of the road.
as i step back and peek at my life Don Quixote is certainly appropriate as i am living in a fog of insanity that swirls around power and outcomes. the balance i desire and am seeking on a daily basis is being upset by my self-willing things to be my way and not getting the results i desire, right here and right now, dammit all. so as i wrap this up and head on out for a bit of exercise before sitting in the car for hours on end, i can carry with me, that i can be as insane as i choose to be for as long as i choose to do so. IF i finally decide that the battles i am waging are truly ones that i will only at great personal cost, i might even decide to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to show me the way out. that is certainly a very BIG maybe, bu thirty minutes away from the world, may provide me the clarity and balance i desire.

∞ DT ∞