Blog entry for:

a POWER greater than myself exists that can restore me to wholeness. well after struggling to get everything done and out of the house with dispatch yesterday, and failing miserably, this morning i am way ahead of schedule and will be hitting the streets very soon, ironically today i am not in any hurry and yet there are no obstacles in my way. man what a difference 24 hours makes.
ok, back after a few distractions, so unconditional surrender, even if i am not certain that there is anything there to catch me.without a doubt an exercise in FAITH and as i am not one of those “GOD” guys, FAITH is the one spiritual principle that is especially difficult for me to practice. what i do have FAITH in, is the program of recovery to which i have been exposed to and adhere to, today FAITHFULLY. way back when, in those dank and early days of my recovery, the one theme that i saw played over and over again, was that those members who did surrender to the facts about what they were powerless over, and did more than talk a good game about their recovery, has something more than i did. in fact what they had, i was not certain i wanted, as it looked that the price i would have to pay was freedom of expression and the freedom to think for myself.
it is true, there was a time when i was in the wrong fellowship, where over and over again, the members there told me to STOP thinking and just accept. after all, it worked for them, so it WOULD work for me, PERIOD! fortunately those members did not have anything i wanted, except in that they had prestige in that sort of twisted world of where the more time they have abstinent, means the higher their social status. i lived in that world far too long, but i digress, and that is a great topic for another day. no the members that had what i wanted were the members who worked a program, kept an open mind and found their way to FAITH, rather than just being there. like me, they looked under all the rocks, read all the signs and generally did whatever they could to prove or disprove the program would work for them. ironically, the harder i tried to prove that recovery was not for me, the more evidence piled up that recovery was EXACTLY the path i NEEDED to be on. those are the members i want to emulate, even today. those critical thinkers that arrived at exactly the same place i have and that the reading strongly suggests is the jumping off point for their life in active recovery.
today i am certain that i am POWERLESS over addiction, no matter in what form decides to appear in my life. i am certain that my life is unmanageable and that ONLY by turning my will and my life over to the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, will i get the ability to be a better man than i was yesterday. i can say that right here and right now, without any reservations, because the preponderance of the evidence in my life, certainly points in that direction, that does not mean i have stopped critically examining the program and my part in it. what it does mean, is that i look for the means to deepen my commitment to myself and the road i still choose to walk today. that journey started 5797 days, 10 hours and 32 minutes ago, and continues today. the FAITH i have built in this program is a testament to the power of recovery in my life. part of that is i get to testify to that power in my life, such as last night. i am glad that the voice recorder was broken, as there is no permanent record of what i said, the joke is that i have plausible deniability about anything i may or may not have said last night.
all of that aside, today i walk in the light of the spirit, that has been restored to me, by the fellowship i call my home,. today i choose to actively participate in my life and my recovery. today, no matter what, i choose not to use, and with those concepts fresh in my mind, i will start my journey over to Boulder to do the work i am so well paid to do. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞