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and so it goes, back to surrender once again, and back once again, to my friends who find themselves under the thumb of a very structured and controlled environment. in a way, they have some things very similar, mostly that they expressed out loud that they knew what they needed to do, and did not need any stinkin' program to get the through life, the consequences of their lives running on self-will are readily apparent today, and yet, there is still something quite tempting to me about surrendering everything, BUT.
i have been known to go on about others, but this morning, what i wanted to do, is take their lessons, and apply those lessons to myself.
in light of that, i have always had issues with surrender and what the word meant. in the long run, i finally succumbed, capitulated, declared a truce, or any one of the myriad of terms that imply surrender, but do not say it. admitting i was defeated, even by a force as powerful as addiction, was not in my constitution, or at least that was the basic tenet of my belief structure. if i did not like the way i was feeling, it was not the addict that reached out for the fix, it was me, because i fVcking deserved it. i did not have a parade of strange through my bedroom because i had low self-esteem, but because i could. i lived in a rented room, not because i could not afford to take care of myself, because it made life that much easier. i did not have a car, not because the cost of keeping a car kept me from getting high, but because in Boulder if one had a bicycle, who needed anything else? on and on, as the consequences piled up, i had new and different ways of diverting my attention from the real problem, my uncontrollable need to get high. and when i got here, the song remained the same, time and again, i told myself, i NEEDED this or that, and when i did not get it, instantly, i was pissed off and moody.
and yet, here i am, many days after the first surrender, still clean, still an active participant in a daily program of recovery and still a die hard member of the “NO MATTER WHAT” club, and one has to wonder, what the fVCk changed?
certainly an interesting question, especially after interviewing for a sponsor gig. what changed for me, was subtle and mostly insignificant as choosing the correct definition. when i looked at surrender as ceasing to fight, i was given the freedom to not fight anymore. without conditions and without reservations. it was not like the day i chose that definition all of sudden i was all in, but it was the start of the process that has made someone today, who can interview for a sponsorship position and let go of the outcome. someone today, who can see the flaws and foibles of others, forgive them for being human, and use what i see to examine myself and look for a better way of being. it is the process that allows me to unconditionally surrender to the fact that i am addict and if i need any more evidence as to whether or not that is still the case, then all i have to look to is my conversation the other night, where i explicitly said, that if i had a beer it would be fVCK it, game on, if i am going to relapse i am going to make it good! knowing that little fact is more than enough to allow myself the freedom to recover today and to be okay not fighting the notion i am an addict. oh yeah just to be clear, i am not some sort of addict, i am not a collection of addictions nor am i any more or less than an addict than any of my peers, i just am.
am i defeated today? not really, as i choose to stop fighting and give addiction its due. i can be comfortable wearing that label and it need not define WHO I AM< it is just part of the big picture that is me. so time to get rolling on my chores and get some stuff done, it is after all a great day to be clean and live a program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞