โฆ no matter what my personal circumstances, i belong โฆ
Posted: Tue, Oct 18, 2011 07:31:41 AM
well i am already running behind and i have even left the house yet! not rally, sometimes i like to be a whining, complaining baby. one thing is for sure though, i am an addict through and through, no matter what that means to the rest of the world. that statement in and of itself is quite an admission, as i spent much of my time and energy across the first thirteen months of my recovery, trying, time and again to prove that somehow i was not an addict and IF i had a problem with drugs, i certainly was not going to find any solution here in the rooms.
these days, my problem with identifying with those who are in the rooms has reached a new extreme. the part of me i call addiction, tells me that long-term abstinence from the use of substances is evidence that i am not an addict, and that it would probably be alright to use , as i have proven that I DO NOT BELONG here, because i have been clean for a period of time. that part of me reaches back into the ruins of my denial structure to resurrect part of the justifications that i used way back when, the salient fact, it argues, i that i have stopped for a very long time, REAL ADDICTS, can never stop using hence, i must not be a REAL ADDICT.
sometimes it sucks, having to listen to that particular internal dialogue, and i know that if i suppress it or battle it, things only get worse. those are the times when i truly belong. this battle has been waged by probably thousands if not millions of addicts in recovery, worldwide. i look to their collective experience as well as those who have decided to test the waters, and i find i am not content to accept the consequences of giving in to that particular train of thought. instead. i head back to the rooms, sit in a meeting and share the struggles i am having with this whole notion of addiction and the question of whether or not i am one.
this morning? i KNOW i am ONE and am grateful that i do not have to battle something greater and stronger than i am, by myself. i have a POWER that fuels my recovery, i have a fellowship that surrounds and cares for me, and i HAVE THE DESIRE to stay clean, just for today. all of that will keep clean in this particular 24, and i will see what tomorrow brings.
so off to the showers and into my day, it is a great day to be in recovery.
these days, my problem with identifying with those who are in the rooms has reached a new extreme. the part of me i call addiction, tells me that long-term abstinence from the use of substances is evidence that i am not an addict, and that it would probably be alright to use , as i have proven that I DO NOT BELONG here, because i have been clean for a period of time. that part of me reaches back into the ruins of my denial structure to resurrect part of the justifications that i used way back when, the salient fact, it argues, i that i have stopped for a very long time, REAL ADDICTS, can never stop using hence, i must not be a REAL ADDICT.
sometimes it sucks, having to listen to that particular internal dialogue, and i know that if i suppress it or battle it, things only get worse. those are the times when i truly belong. this battle has been waged by probably thousands if not millions of addicts in recovery, worldwide. i look to their collective experience as well as those who have decided to test the waters, and i find i am not content to accept the consequences of giving in to that particular train of thought. instead. i head back to the rooms, sit in a meeting and share the struggles i am having with this whole notion of addiction and the question of whether or not i am one.
this morning? i KNOW i am ONE and am grateful that i do not have to battle something greater and stronger than i am, by myself. i have a POWER that fuels my recovery, i have a fellowship that surrounds and cares for me, and i HAVE THE DESIRE to stay clean, just for today. all of that will keep clean in this particular 24, and i will see what tomorrow brings.
so off to the showers and into my day, it is a great day to be in recovery.
∞ DT ∞