โฅ i meet others like me in the rooms of recovery โฅ
Posted: Thu, Oct 18, 2012 08:07:38 AM
and with them share the bonds of past suffering and hope for the future.
well i am severely bummed out, i have yet another commute today, when i was hoping to b e commute-free.
WAH-- WAH -- WAH!
yes when reality sucks, there are a couple of things i can do, sit and whine about it or accept it and move on. right now i choose to move on!
which brings me to what i heard today, I BELONG! no matter how hard i try to disqualify myself, no matter how different i want to be, no matter how successful i am or am not, it does not matter; this fellowship, is the first place where i truly fit in.m yes i can list the litany of evils that are inherent in any group of people who form intimate bonds, and in the rooms, those bonds are even tighter, so the behaviors get that much more magnified. honestly, sometimes i crave being the flavor of the month and stirring up some drama on my own. however, i can also use the trauma and the drama of what goes on in the rooms, to drive a wedge between me and the exact group of people that I NEED to be clean today. after all, i am not 13th stepping anyone, nor am i hounding anyone out of the rooms, today. as i get further and further away from my last use, i seem to find the desire to disqualify myself from the rooms, growing stronger. i mean seriously, how many years in remission do i have to have, before i can be considered cured, especially if the disease model of addiction is true. cancer patients get to say they are cured if they are cancer free for five years. so what i guess it comes down to brass tacks, IF i could honestly say, that i have not seen one symptom of addiction in five years, than i, like a cancer patient, could claim i had been cured. dagnabbit all, i cannot say that. yes, i have not used in over 15 years, but usage was just one symptom of addiction, the selfish, self-interested, self-entitled, and self-righteous person that walked into the rooms when he stopped using, is still here, my symptoms are approaching a level of minimum detectability, but are still quite present, so i cannot claim to be cured. that is the mistake many addicts make, and one i wish to avoid. IF i want to claim a cure i have to look for the removal of ALL of my symptoms, every day, for at least five years, using the cancer model. based on current trends, the odds of that happening is practically nil, so here i am.
anyhow, as much as i do not want to do it, it is off to Aurora again, and maybe this day, will be my last day…
well i am severely bummed out, i have yet another commute today, when i was hoping to b e commute-free.
WAH-- WAH -- WAH!
yes when reality sucks, there are a couple of things i can do, sit and whine about it or accept it and move on. right now i choose to move on!
which brings me to what i heard today, I BELONG! no matter how hard i try to disqualify myself, no matter how different i want to be, no matter how successful i am or am not, it does not matter; this fellowship, is the first place where i truly fit in.m yes i can list the litany of evils that are inherent in any group of people who form intimate bonds, and in the rooms, those bonds are even tighter, so the behaviors get that much more magnified. honestly, sometimes i crave being the flavor of the month and stirring up some drama on my own. however, i can also use the trauma and the drama of what goes on in the rooms, to drive a wedge between me and the exact group of people that I NEED to be clean today. after all, i am not 13th stepping anyone, nor am i hounding anyone out of the rooms, today. as i get further and further away from my last use, i seem to find the desire to disqualify myself from the rooms, growing stronger. i mean seriously, how many years in remission do i have to have, before i can be considered cured, especially if the disease model of addiction is true. cancer patients get to say they are cured if they are cancer free for five years. so what i guess it comes down to brass tacks, IF i could honestly say, that i have not seen one symptom of addiction in five years, than i, like a cancer patient, could claim i had been cured. dagnabbit all, i cannot say that. yes, i have not used in over 15 years, but usage was just one symptom of addiction, the selfish, self-interested, self-entitled, and self-righteous person that walked into the rooms when he stopped using, is still here, my symptoms are approaching a level of minimum detectability, but are still quite present, so i cannot claim to be cured. that is the mistake many addicts make, and one i wish to avoid. IF i want to claim a cure i have to look for the removal of ALL of my symptoms, every day, for at least five years, using the cancer model. based on current trends, the odds of that happening is practically nil, so here i am.
anyhow, as much as i do not want to do it, it is off to Aurora again, and maybe this day, will be my last day…
∞ DT ∞