โ i belong? โ
Posted: Tue, Oct 18, 2005 05:26:21 AM
truthfully the last thing i want this morning is to belong. i feel cramped, pushed, angry and like a rat trapped in a cage too small. i do not feel i have the time to do anything for myself and i cannot seem to find the space i seem to want to ba alone.
that being said, here i sit whining about the consequences of friends, clients, family and peers who want to spend time with me. an interesting twist considering how lonely and alone i was when i walked into recovery. one might even say a luxury bitch. after all, it was the sense of belonging somewhere, anywhere that played a major role in my decision to make a commitment to myself to recover in the first place. honestly, i could have done what i have seen so many others do, hang until the outside forces were removed then return to my old life. well somewhere, somehow i made the decision to really make a commitment to myself for once and see what i could get.
and wow, what i got was way more than i ever expected and some days it feels like way more than i can handle.
do i really desire to return to my old life? not really, regardless of how i am feeling today. do i really want to have very few people in my life? no, not really, i kind of like having the emotional resources of my friends and family members and would miss their support if the chose to withdraw it. would i really want just hang in the fellowship that saved my life rather than be a participant? no i have seen the results of that.
so what does this all add up to? forty-two!
my life is a precious gift today, regardless how i think i feel about it. if i talk to enough of my peers and friends, this feeling will pass, and i will once again be able to express the gratitude for a place full of people just like me!
∞ DT ∞
that being said, here i sit whining about the consequences of friends, clients, family and peers who want to spend time with me. an interesting twist considering how lonely and alone i was when i walked into recovery. one might even say a luxury bitch. after all, it was the sense of belonging somewhere, anywhere that played a major role in my decision to make a commitment to myself to recover in the first place. honestly, i could have done what i have seen so many others do, hang until the outside forces were removed then return to my old life. well somewhere, somehow i made the decision to really make a commitment to myself for once and see what i could get.
and wow, what i got was way more than i ever expected and some days it feels like way more than i can handle.
do i really desire to return to my old life? not really, regardless of how i am feeling today. do i really want to have very few people in my life? no, not really, i kind of like having the emotional resources of my friends and family members and would miss their support if the chose to withdraw it. would i really want just hang in the fellowship that saved my life rather than be a participant? no i have seen the results of that.
so what does this all add up to? forty-two!
my life is a precious gift today, regardless how i think i feel about it. if i talk to enough of my peers and friends, this feeling will pass, and i will once again be able to express the gratitude for a place full of people just like me!
∞ DT ∞