Blog entry for:

-- addiction and recovery
although i have been known to focus on a whole lot of other things when before, during and after a meeting, and perhaps that is the direction i need to go today. let me ponder for a moment before running down that thought.
well having paused long enough to listen to my new music, i can remember how i felt when i first attended a meeting. before i speak to that experience, you need to know that meeting was seven months before my clean date, and i needed to practice a whole bunch more chaos in my active addiction to become willing enough to seek out this recovery gig. but anyways, at that very first meeting, i looked around the room, and saw all these " boulder granola types, " yes i was still a boulderite at that moment of time, but i had never and probably will never be a granola head, but i digress. anyhow, all i saw there were the labels and none of the people, and as they shared i grew more and more judgmental. those freaks shared about GOD, their experience of living without drugs, feelings and dealing with all of those concepts as part of their daily life. and i was not ready to hear of that happy horse shit on that cold thursday evening in february ‘97. the amazing part is, even after almost ten years, i still have strong memories and feelings about that evening. well that was the evening the seed was planted, but it failed to sprout and i did what i needed to do until i was ready. the truly amazing thing was that during those end of days, I thought about the members i saw and heard in that meeting, and as i became more and more desperate to stop using, even for just a couple of days, i began to evaluate and revisit my first impressions about that thursday night meeting. and the truth of the matter was that meeting became on of my excuses to use. no i do not blame my using on those members, just further down the road when i appeared to compliant with the wishes of the judicial system, i would drive over to that meeting, call my dealer, and book as soon as the final prayer was said so i could get high.
so, i hear you screaming, you have spoken to the negative, is there no hope you can offer today? yes there is! today, when my judge starts to separate me from the pack, i remember that the predator i call my disease is circling and waiting for me to stray. a quick self-inventory and i can find that focus i need to hear, understand and feel the language of recovery. and i can return to seeing that despite all the apparent differences in the members attending a meeting, i am just the same -- an addict looking for the means to recover just one more day!

∞ DT ∞