Blog entry for:

of past suffering and hope for the future. no i am not about to go all yippy-skippy, blue skies ahead mode on you all, but every now and again i need to allow a little sunlight to break through the clouds of cynicism. when i look at my social life and the connections i have to others today, i am amazed. i am, as i have said in the past, far from socially comfortable in any situation and am apt to make a faux-pas or three on any given day. even with my lack of social skills and general distrust of everyone else in the world, churning under the surface, i still have managed, through recovery, to make some friends, reattach to my family and become a whole lot less socially inept.
as i stay clean and let go of looking for the various strata of who is who in the fellowship, i get to connect with my peers on a level that in quite foreign to me, after all, i am fVcking different. i cannot enumerate how many times that while one of my peers is sharing that i started my internal rebuttal with “but for me&hellip.” or even worse, when i mused for myself “that poor creature does not have the first clue about…” yes, those are the sort of thoughts that keep me apart form being a part of a fellowship focused on recovery from addiction. i know i am not the only one who goes down those trails and amazingly, most of us stay clean. the difference for me, is that i no longer fear expressing my doubts, my odd thoughts or my deepest, darkest fears, with my peers, in fact i have come to the place where saying that shite out loud is enhances my status, rather than detracts form it, if i cater to my most base self and worry about what my status happens to be. today, just for today, i am cool with who i am and have very few doubts where my tribe resides, they are after all, the ones that have given me a manner of living that allows me to be more than i ever was, and a part of something that i never knew existed — a fellowship of folks just like me.

∞ DT ∞