Blog entry for:

i extend the hand of the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living, to the addict who still suffers.
warm and welcoming? well that is not my memory of my first meeting, but as warm and welcoming as they may have been, i WAS not ready for recovery quite yet, and i am certain that the part of me i call addiction, distorts that memory to provide evidence that i really do not belong here. i have looked at that memory for years on end, every time i hit this and any similar readings in my annual cycle, and only today, have i come to doubt its veracity. it was never my intention to stay clean for any time past the three or so years i was REQUIRED to do so, because of my involvement in the getting and finding the ways and means to use. my first meeting was just part of being compliant, and it was not anything that i intended to carry on for any length of time. it was to satisfy my counselors at treatment, my probation officer and my family. i often wonder what my life would be like today, had i actually been ready for what was being offered to me, but that is of course a real waste of time, as it took everything that happened to me after that first meeting to get to where i am today.
applying that lesson, to my life today, i am not as touchy-feely towards the FNGs as some of my fellow members, and i probably never will be, although that too remains to be seen. it was my experience and i am certain that i am not UNIQUE in this, that the last thing i wanted that night was a hug. i got phone numbers, but i was not ready to say i had less than 30 days clean, because probation believed i had almost 60 days clean at that time. so i sat quietly in the back row at that candlelight meeting, with a scowl on my face and my arms crossed and ducked out before the lights came back on, as i was certain that those freaks were certainly going to be difficult to manipulate into doing my bidding. so when i approach a newcomer to welcome him into the fellowship, i tell like it is,namely that this is a program for those who want it as well as need it. that IF they are looking to be more than they are, here is a path for them to begin their journey. If they are just here to get their attendance verification signed, than i can do that as well, and i wish them luck and remind them, that this COULD be the last time the justice system is involved in their lives. after all, when one does not commit felonies at least once a day, the justice system does tend to leave them alone, in most cases. i focus on that, because that was what i missed that first night, a resolution of the PROBLEM that got me here, even though that was not really the problem.
anyhow, i have some stuff to accomplish before the football game this afternoon, so i will sign-off with this: life is good today BECAUSE i choose to LIVE a program of recovery based on the principles and suggestions of those who were here when i finally came around. for that i am gratefula dn willing to pay it forward to the FNG that walks into the doors at the next meeting i attend.

∞ DT ∞