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what was it that kept me coming back? i have memories of the welcome i was given and when i raised my hand as a newcomer, i opened the door for other members to welcome me. okay, honestly, i was very distant and closed off when i came to recovery, i know, for those who know me that is awfully hard to believe ;)
so when the hug and love fest started, i was ready to run and hide. i wondered what kind of freak show cult i had gotten myself involved in. so sometimes when i do not join the love mugging of a newcomer, it is because i remembered how overwhelming that can be. it can be quite intimidating, especially to someone unprepared for such a welcome. instead i use the stealth approach, speaking to them quietly and softly, and listening to whatever happens to come out of their mouths. truthfully most of the content is garbage, mainly complaints about how terrible their life is since: they went to jail, lost their home and children, got ditched by their life partner, and kicked out to the streets. i understand this, and ignore all of this crap and get to the point by listening for the desperation that they may or may not feel. the hug and attention i give them, feels more genuine to me, and i have seen it work to give them just the first glimmer of hope. they certainly have already heard about how well some of our members are doing, how their legal and financial problems are gone, as that is all some of the members i share the rooms with have to offer as their experience, strength and hope. i choose to go a different route, i speak to the emotional stability, and the feelings of worth that i have been given as a result of this way of life. i believe that is what they are truly seeking, even if they do not know it yet, and my job is to awaken the spiritual spark that is still present in the most desperate of newcomers.
but enough about that, today it is time for me to go hit the streets running, as i have much to do and lots of activities to fill my busy day. life is good and i am grateful for those members who took the time to break down my barriers and show me that material gifts, while wonderful are not what this program is all about. yes it is true, that as a result of becoming a member i did resolve my legal problems, and they have yet to return, i did get the love and respect of my family back, i did finish college, i do have a career that is both fulfilling and exciting, and i am capable of equal relationships. all of those outside signs of progress are wonderful, but what i seem to treasure most is the sense of self-worth i have been getting lately. i am grateful that i need not be a doormat for anyone, anymore. they may or may not see their behaviors as dismissive, manipulative or disrespectful, and that is unimportant, what is important is that if i feel that way, i need to stand up for myself, and today i am worth doing just that. i am finally learning to turn the anger and shame that i feel when i let someone walk all over me, into assertiveness and surrendering that garbage to a POWER GREATER THAN ME, and not another member!
so off i go into the…

∞ DT ∞