Blog entry for:

it that kept me coming back? FEAR of incarceration, if i could not stay clean. FEAR of relapse after i got off paper, was my next motivation for sticking around. i can say without any hesitation that although FEAR was a great motivator, it was far from a good base upon which to build a lasting program of recovery. it is FAITH tin this program that keeps me coming back these days. that FAITH, has been nurtured from the seed of HOPE that was planted at the first meeting i attended, even though i was not ready to stop using. that FAITH has grown over the years that comprise my clean time, to become the centerpiece of my daily recovery program and that FAITH is the one thing i am most keen to give away to my peers. of course, i am not the only one of my “recovery” generation who keeps coming back:

Alan S.
CONGRATS on TWENTY-TWO (22) years clean!
HOPE to see you at convention, this year.

like many of my peers, i could go through a litany of the “gifts” that i have received as a result of living the program, but as wonderful as those gifts may be, they are a side-effect and can distract me from my purpose, especially when i focus on them, rather than where i am going. my journey forward is not dependent on being “rewarded.” if i can give one iota of my FAITH in this program to someone new, i have fulfilled that debt that i accumulated when i walked away from my very first meeting, wondering what kind of weak and feeble people would admit that they were powerless over a substance that may or may not be physically addicting.
the one reward i will call out this morning, is the fact that i can talk about what is going on inside of me, in a room. virtual or in person, of my peers and they can offer their experience, strength and hope. as a result of my “dump” at a meeting yesterday, i was able to walk through the anger that i felt towards my Mom and her lack of effort to take responsibility for her life. today, i feel her FEAR and understand her denial, as i have been there, done that and got the T-shirt. my task is not to bully, berate or chide her into letting go of what is not, but to help guide her into having the desire to become something more than a victim of her aging body. it was not what my peers offered yesterday that allowed me to let go, it was just that they were there, they listened and they allowed me to share my burdens with them, instead of carrying them alone. it is a good day to be clean and the time has come to hit the streets running, literally. i need to remember that i was not born with the recovery skills i have today, they are a result of practice, practice practice.

∞ DT ∞