Blog entry for:

i first came to the fellowship that has given me a new way of life. today, i will express my gratitude by offering a hug to a newcomer. ah, to roll back to that first meeting, months before i was ready to stop using and remember how much i was like a cactus on that day. DON'T TOUCH ME, physically, mentally and emotionally, was the vibe i intended to put out and for the most part, it was what others received. although, i like to think so, or at least used to like to think so, it was not those members who were at my first meeting who failed to reach me. they did their best to reach out to me, and even though it was not the kinder and gentler fellowship it is today, they were there for me, i was was not there for them, and it would take another seven months for me to actually arrive, kicking and screaming, in a state of desperation. i was so desperate, that i did everything in my power, to augment my denial structure, to prevent myself from feeling that desperation, as i was certain it would be fatal to me.
well i am not dead yet, in fact i am getting better each and every day, and although the tale of my early days in recovery is more than a bit harrowing, i feel it is a better share than some of the little susie sunshine stuff, i hear other members share. there is no silver bullet, superman is dead, and i am powerless over addiction, it is just that simple, to dilute that message with the psycho-babble that the well meaning addiction counselors are selling is disingenuous and even dangerous to the newcomer. it is no wonder that they feel so entitled after a few days sitting in the room, when they hear members with time, lifting quotes out of context and justifying their shares by saying they only do it for the newcomer.
plain and simple:
IT IS NOT OK TO USE, ANYTHING.
YOU ARE NO MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM, AS THIS IS A DAY AT A TIME PROGRAM.
AND YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING MORE THAN THE REST OF US, WE EARNED OUR CHAIRS AS WELL, AND IT IS ABOUT TIME TO COME OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND JOIN US IN THE REAL WORLD.
ok, rant over!
that was the message i finally got, when i actually thought that maybe, just maybe, i was where i needed to be. i am so glad that the members who were here, took care of me, by popping my bubble and forcing me to stand on my own two feet, recovery-wise, as early as they did, because otherwise, i would have never got this. although i am sure, that many potential members walked way with all butt hurt because the rooms did not fall over fawning over them. what i got was tough love. i was not enabled by anyone to go out and come back in again, or to make excuses in that seven months between my first meeting and my clean date. no matter how pissed off and cactus like i was, the fellowship kept telling me to keep coming back, and kept trying to bring me into the fold and i did, keep coming back that was. the assimilation into the fold, was a much longer and painful process, and one that is quite humorous to me today.
i do not know how close to the topic i stayed or how far out on t tangent i went. i do know that today, i want each and every newcomer to get this and stay around, after all, my life will depend on them, so as ti started to say, in what seems centuries ago, i will give the newcomer that extra minute they may need to KEEP COMING BACK, just for today.

∞ DT ∞