Blog entry for:

members with some clean time can make the difference. reading this, this morning and sitting afterwards i realized that this particular reading applies to me on several different levels. as one of those members who has time, and does step back from the procession of newcomers and the revolving door of those who do not seem to get it, i can understand why i feel i need a bit of protection. oh here is where i would talk about protecting myself from getting too attached, and tempering my emotions by avoiding them., and as real as both of those concerns may be, they are just smoke and mirrors, to allow myself to be in the back row, instead of right up front. the truth is, i just do not put myself out there for the newest of the new, and use my clean-time as a shield of invulnerability and invisibility when it comes to the newest members. every now and again, one of those FNGs,. sees through my little act of dishonest self-preservation and approaches me with questions, concerns and of course the dreaded question: “Can I Call YOU?” that my friends is the reality of this recovering addict. before i get too dark and twisty i need to do a shout-out.

Alan S
18 years (6574 days) clean!
Keep coming back my friend!

the nice part about honest sharing ➯ recovery versus recovered, is most of the newest of the new, do not seem to want to ask me to sponsor them. which of course is another bonus situation for me. oh i could go back to the rainbows, unicorns and Kum-By-Yah version of “sharing for the newcomer,” that i hear many of my peers speaking of, but why would i step backwards in my journey of becoming. no i share for myself and i carry the message that no matter how crazy i may seem, life in recovery, as someone who live a program of recovery, always has new vistas and challenges. i am far from “recovered.” when my peers share about being “blessed,” most of time i tune out everything else they say. the judgement machine has kicked in and i find myself critiquing everything that comes after. that is no reflection on them, as i have come to see, that maybe, just maybe, that is their reality. i may not feel blessed, but most of the time i feel grateful for what has come to pass, since i finally became a member of the program.
which brings me to something i was considering the other night. i have more than one peer and friend, who are currently on the outside looking in. some of them had lots of days clean, before they decided that this recovery gig was not for them, some of them, not so much. i shared about this at the meeting a couple of days ago, but never went totally down the path of why is that i GOT clean and have the desire to stay clean, and they lost their desire to do the same. i know for mew, HOPE was not something that just filled me from the very first day, and desperation colored my every thought, even when i denied it. over time, i got tired of being afraid of relapse and something inside of me, shifted and i started to believe that even i could do this gig for real. FEAR and MISERY ruled my life, even when i pretended it did not and i wanted instant results, sort of like when i was using. for me, the results are subtle and far from instantaneous. the recovery process and the care and concern i felt from those with whom i share my recovery with., finally allowed that FEAR to morph into HOPE. more and more i see that little seed of HOPE carried me through the darkest, dankest and most miserable times in my recovery life. it is HOPE and now my abiding FAITH in the program, that keeps me coming back to meetings, even when i do not seem to get anything out of them, but resentments and anger. it is also that same seed of HOPE that keeps me clean, no matter what. i do not need to seek out anyone to co-sign my bullsh!t, so i can trash my life and find an excuse to traipse down the path of chemical bliss. sure life may be tough, i go through periods of darkness, BUT and it really is a big one, there is nothing that will life me out of the darkness,save the program of recovery i have learned to live. nothing outside of me, will create the sort of life i have come to desire, and numbing myself to the realities of living is not a direction i choose to go, today. anyhow, i have come to see that it was that seed of HOPE, that kept me clean and that HOPE fed my FAITH that IF i kept doping this gig, my life would get better, or at least my perception of my life would get better, and perhaps that is what it really is all about.

∞ DT ∞