Blog entry for:

in walking through adversity may benefit another member. at least i will try, as it when it comes to sharing about how wrong something is in my life, no matter how insignificant, i am not the first one out of the chute.
yes, i know of members who very rarely share about what life is like in the real world. their shares are nothing but HOPE and how wonderful life is in recovery. truthfully, life is wonderful in recovery, even on the bleakest and most trying of days. that is not because there are no trials and tribulations in my life, au contraire, it is because i have learned how to put things into perspective AS A RESULT of living an active program of recovery. when i share about the horrors of every day life, luxury and not quite such luxury problems, it is sometimes tough to separate out my perspective from reality. i mean yesterday would have been my dead nephew's birthday. he decided last fall that life was not worth living and actively took his. now my sister and his siblings decided they needed to remember him once more by having a big to-do about it. has i been invited, i probably would not have gone, as i have already put my nephew to rest in my mind. he is gone. there is an empty place in my heart that was created when he left. when i think of him i feel sad. all of that and more is where i am at in the grieving process and as a result, i need not continually dredge up memorial ceremonies for him, public or private. as a result of living a program, i have learned HOW to grieve. as a result of not taking anything that is mood and mind altering, my feelings are no longer frozen and i cam move through them at whatever pace i need to move through them. my sister and her family are doing what they need to do, i get that and for them it feels perfectly natural. i too, am doing what i need to do, moving forward and remembering the man that was my nephew and letting go.
this whole notion of holding on, lest i forget, i get. it kept me safe in active addiction, because i NEEDED to know who fVcked me over, who i could trust and to what extent i could trust them and most importantly what i was owed and what i owed, across the breadth of my human interactions. although all of that information, may still be useful today, it is not how in operate, nor is how i want to operate in the future. what any of this has to do with the topic today, i am uncertain of, but it was what was on my mind as i sat down to write this. perhaps it is all about just sharing who i am. perhaps it was something that needed to be dumped. it is, however my inexpert that no matter what i think i NEED to share about, more often than not, i share about something else, that is my actual NEED and not my DESIRE,and sometimes that something else, is not a very flattering picture of me or my recovery.
i think that i will end it there, before i start judging and comparing myself with those around me, i am grateful that today. i need not use the rooms to express my opinions about how others should do it, after all i have this forum and here cross-talking is more than allowed!

∞ DT ∞