Blog entry for:

of my recovery, is certainly one of those intangible things that some of my peers do not seem to understand. generally those who do not **get** this, are those who are attempting to take every single word and idea at its very literal face value. when they ask me to tell them about what i can freely give them, i know they have missed the point. the gift of recovery has brought me a wealth beyond reckoning. although millions of dollars in my back account would certainly be nice, that fact that i have choices in my life these days, is certainly a gift beyond my wildest dreams.

Carl K.
Congrats on FORTY-THREE (43) years clean!

Christian F.
Congrats on FIVE(5) years clean!

just to clean-up some bidness, before moving on.
what came up last night in my TENTH STEP and recurred this morning as i sat for my ELEVENTH, was my action plan to forgive a trusted and loved one, the harm the did unto me. while no concrete plan has been put upon my heart, yet, what did come to me is that it is time to stop the punishment. here is where i was about to write what i “need” to do, even though i have no real clue. i do have to uncover the means to stop punishing them and more importantly stop punishing myself, for the anger, bile and the sense of self-righteous retribution i think needs to be meted out. as i stumble and listen for a clue about how to fulfill the desire to stop that, i get the opportunity to feel what it is i am feeling, when i think back over how much of my life i have lost to the lie of being “broken.”
the gift that i am feeling this morning, is the ability to wait and listen. part of me, and it is a big part of me, feels as if this is a return to allowing fate and events to make my decisions for me. a very familiar behavior from active addiction and one that i choose not to dive into again. i want to make a decision, now DAMMIT and formulate a plan YESTERDAY! the difference, and it is a subtle one, is i am listening for the next right thing, rather than avoiding it altogether. this process takes time and i often get impatient at things that are not instantaneously granted. what i will do, in the mean time, is go about the bidness of my day, get my miles in, clear some more snow from in front of my house, do the job that my employer expects me to do and listen. i have FAITH, that i will know when it is time, what the next right thing to do, just may be.

∞ DT ∞