Blog entry for:

so last night i had my recurring dream of trying to scream and grab someone and not being able to. my significant other once again, roused me from that dream and it is unfortunate that i actually do scream, in the real world when i am having this nightmarish dream. the reading yesterday was all about FEAR, and this morning it is about the message i carry, when i choose to share in meetings. so i am not one of those who slings together a bunch of catch phrases and clichés. nor am i one to speak of all the rainbows, daisies, and unicorns that my life has , as a result of recovery, leaving the darker side unspoken and ignored. the nice part, is both of the roles are adequately filled by my peers, so i need not share “to hear the sound of my own voice,” or “share for the newcomer,” as it were.
it is nice not to have to live up to the expectations of others and share just for me, and i do. it is also nice, to be able to present a balanced message instead of one skewed to the good side or one that says nothing at all.it is just as i tell the men i sponsor: i know what the literature says, what i do not know is what you THINK it says. the literature is an excellent jumping off point for me, but i have a brain that is capable of going beyond what the book says. i may not agree with every single statement and there are certainly inconsistencies, but on the whole, the body of written literature that was written by the fellowship i choose for my recovery, provides an excellent means to getting a life beyond active addiction. qyuite honestly when i start to look at what the book says and how it applies to my life, i get to leave the recovery lobby and actually enjoy the resort, to use a very mixed metaphor. when i am afraid, i can share that i am afraid. when i behave in a less than stellar manner i can share about that as well. neither of those events means my world is crashing down around me and neither needs to be hidden under the cloak of sharing for the newcomer. the HOPE is there because one) i take responsibility for reporting what is happening and two) i can be real, share my pain, shame or embarrassment and stay clean. i do NOT need to look good all of the time.
anyhow, got an early meeting at work this morning, so i have to get rolling down the road, and when i go to the meeting tonight and if i share, you can bet that i will not just be sh!tting rainbow after rainbow!

∞ DT ∞