Blog entry for:

there are other people who share my difficulties, past and present.
okay, i am so fVcking unique, no one can get me, and yet i want to hear someone anyone, sharing about the stuff that is part of me. quite the dichotomy and the no matter how delicious the irony, no one ever said that people like me, addicts and recovering addicts were not without their complexities.
before i go on, yes the reading was about an entirely different topic. just so you know i DID read it and contemplate upon it, what it said was that i need to share what is going on, honestly and openly at meetings and not wrap my struggles in a cloud of false hope and sunshine. that sharing for the newcomer, means i share what is really going on, good, bad and indifferent and relate those experiences to how i can stay clean and practice a program of active recovery, one day at a time.
so on to the meat of my brain dump this morning. what i felt after reading the reading this morning and moving beyond the obvious topic was how i felt when i first discovered that i was not the only person in the world who saw life in such a messed up and confusing manner. i was not the only one, who lacked the ability to stay clean, and lacked the honesty to 'fess up to that fact to the group and my peers in recovery. i was not the only one, who looked at recovery as a zero sum game, was did not see how i could ever win at it. i was not the only one, who believed that one way, some day, i would somehow be relieved of the burden of being an addict, and suddenly have the ability to use like a normal person. i felt all of that and yet for the longest time i heard no one share about any of those feeling, not in an open meeting, not one on one with me, not even in passing as we were having pie and coffee. as a result…
…well i do not think i can go there, i was going to blame them for my lack of willingness and the extension of my active addiction those extra months. in reality, even if they shared that stuff, and more than likely someone did, i missed it, because in those end days, the last thing i wanted to hear was the stuff that was in my head. so today, after thousands of days in a row of abstinence, i DO NOT SHY away from such topics, in open meetings or one-on-one with other addicts. when i finally heard that i was not the only one, who had those sorts of thoughts running around in my noggin, i could finally ask someone, or even better listen for the solution to my particular brand of insanity. the relief i felt was overwhelming, and it was probably the seed that launched my career in active recovery.
probably? NAY! LIKELY IS A BETTER DESCRIPTOR!
i finally had my in and where i heard those thoughts was in the fellowship that is my home, not the one that i happened to be recovering in at that time. it was the seed that allowed my recovery to be transplanted when where i was, was not enough. it brought me HOPE when i was the most hopeless. it brought me to a solution, long before i realized i had a problem, and when the time came to thrive, i knew where i needed to go.
i know i have been reminiscing about those days a whole lot lately and it is not even my clean date anniversary! i am not quite sure what is going on, except that when i get to this place, thinking about the past, i must be preparing spiritually to do another FOURTH STEP. since i am not there, yet, in a practical sense as i am still writing STEP THREE, i am starting to get the clue i need, write my step work and move on!
oh yeah, and alone the way do not forget the feelings i had, when my most secret and fVcked up thoughts were shared openly and honestly. i was relieved of a burden that was heavy enough to take me out, and struggling with the guillotine of justice poised above my neck that would have struck with swift vengeance, had i decided to follow the path of least resistance and use. whoever that addict was, and i do not remember, i owe them a debt of gratitude that can only be repaid by sharing the feelings i had and the HOPE that even though this was the last place i wanted to be, it was the last house on the block, and the one place i NEEDED to be. i am grateful today, that addict did not share for the newcomer and actually shared the insanity they experienced and most of all the solution to that maze, just stay clean one day at a time and do the recovery gig to the best of my ability.

∞ DT ∞