∞ sometimes the most positive message i can carry ∞
Posted: Sun, Mar 18, 2007 07:17:50 AM
is that i am going through difficult times in my recovery and i am staying clean in spite of them!
yes i have been through difficult times in my recovery, i learned about how to live through grief. i have learned how to live through helping someone come to the end of their life. and i am coming out of a troubling puzzling phase in my recovery right now. the past couple of months i have been struggling with reconciling the fact that i want to stay clean no matter what, with how mundane life in recovery can be. you know the whine, " meetings are boring, no one is there for me, i am too busy to do service, i have been clean this long perhaps..."
it is that last little bit that is particularly disturbing to me. not that all of a sudden the desire to use has come upon with the hurricane force that it had when i was in early recovery. and it is not that i have come to the conclusion that perhaps after all i am not an addict at all. either of those would be a sign that i have lapsed in my program and am on my way to relapse for sure! no the part of me i call my addiction is far too insidious for that to be running around in my head. what is happening these days is that i feel disrespected and unappreciated by those around me. that all the work i have done in recovery and service has been in vain, and all i have to do is step away from the program and the fellowship for a bit of time and get some perspective, after all i can always come back around if things get too bad.
well this morning that is not acceptable to me, that is without a doubt the road back to daily use and its inevitable destination of jails, institutions or death. listening to a tape of me sharing the other evening i haer the voice of a man that is unfamiliar to me. i hear the voice of a man that wants and needs to be in recovery. i hear the voice of a man who is grateful that all those days ago, something took enough care of him to land his ass in the rooms of this fellowship and has provided him the means to become more than he ever dreamed.
yes, recovery has not been an easy road for me, BUT it only gets worse when i fight against becoming who i always wanted to be, so today i am committing to allowing recovery to work in my life in this twenty-four hours and i will see what tomorrow brings!
yes i have been through difficult times in my recovery, i learned about how to live through grief. i have learned how to live through helping someone come to the end of their life. and i am coming out of a troubling puzzling phase in my recovery right now. the past couple of months i have been struggling with reconciling the fact that i want to stay clean no matter what, with how mundane life in recovery can be. you know the whine, " meetings are boring, no one is there for me, i am too busy to do service, i have been clean this long perhaps..."
it is that last little bit that is particularly disturbing to me. not that all of a sudden the desire to use has come upon with the hurricane force that it had when i was in early recovery. and it is not that i have come to the conclusion that perhaps after all i am not an addict at all. either of those would be a sign that i have lapsed in my program and am on my way to relapse for sure! no the part of me i call my addiction is far too insidious for that to be running around in my head. what is happening these days is that i feel disrespected and unappreciated by those around me. that all the work i have done in recovery and service has been in vain, and all i have to do is step away from the program and the fellowship for a bit of time and get some perspective, after all i can always come back around if things get too bad.
well this morning that is not acceptable to me, that is without a doubt the road back to daily use and its inevitable destination of jails, institutions or death. listening to a tape of me sharing the other evening i haer the voice of a man that is unfamiliar to me. i hear the voice of a man that wants and needs to be in recovery. i hear the voice of a man who is grateful that all those days ago, something took enough care of him to land his ass in the rooms of this fellowship and has provided him the means to become more than he ever dreamed.
yes, recovery has not been an easy road for me, BUT it only gets worse when i fight against becoming who i always wanted to be, so today i am committing to allowing recovery to work in my life in this twenty-four hours and i will see what tomorrow brings!
∞ DT ∞