Blog entry for:

recognize the difference between thinking through to a decision and reacting or acting on impulse, is still a work in progress for me. as i sat this morning and moments of quite came through the noise of all that i binged on TV this weekend, i finished the revelation that started yesterday on my home from my afternoon relaxing in that smoke-filled room that is my Sunday repast. i have been wondering why everyone and everything has been touching off a bout of anger these days, especially when i feel that someone i love has been mistreated or disrespected. what i “heard” was that my lack of forgiveness for what my Mom did to me as a child was blocking me from processing my grief and those raw and unfelt feelings were be expressed sideways, by getting pissed off at whatever happens to be in my way. i am tired of always being on the verge of anger and as i let go of what can never forgotten and remember that i have lost both of my parents, i can begin to allow myself the freedom to feel what it is that i need to feel, even if i think it may be inappropriate or “wrong.”
most of the anger i feel is based on the fact that my Mom never asked me to forgive her, or apologized for what she did, not just the act itself, but making me the butt of her joke, more than once. when confronted she tap danced her way around the issue, attempting to gaslight me into believing that she would never ever say anything and that she was not sure how details of my humiliation at her hand, got out. she now, will never get a chance to foster my healing process and i have to rely on my program and those whom i trust in the program to help me find the path to forgiving her and most of all to forgive myself for taking her actions on as evidence that i was broken and needed to hide in plain sight, pretending to be what i was not. i am moving forward in forgiving myself and over the past twelve hours, in forgiving her, as i will never hear the words i once felt i needed to hear, come from her lips. my unfulfilled desire does not have to drive me to distraction anymore, now that i have found the cause of my discontent.
it is now time to post this little bit of self-revelation and get out for a bit of exercise. i refuse to allow myself to age the way my parents did, and even though i may not have much power over that, i believe that physical activity is the path to at least ameliorating the effects of aging. i am already a bit lighter after writing about this and as i step out into this late winter morning, perhaps i can find it in my heart to be a better person and let go of all that is holding me back, just for today.

∞ DT ∞