Blog entry for:

i often think that for some reason, sharing the adversity in my life since coming to recovery is somehow wrong. there are character defect issues working here for sure. you know, that outward appearances bullshit. how i appear to others, or at least how i think i appear to others is always running through my mind when ever i am in public or even at a meeting, or just sitting and chatting with a couple of other addicts in a safe and comfortable environment. that constant judging myself through others eyes is distracting me from being who i really am. but character defects and such is a topic for another day, what today’s reading is about is sharing the full depth of my recovery -- pain, joy, hope, depression, love, successes, failures and most of all how i have grown. all of that is part of my life today and it drives me nuts to think about how complicated this whole feeling and living life stuff has become. truthfully, living in active addiction is simpler: mission for the day -- get high; what needs to be done -- anything necessary to cop; do i care how i look or who i hurt -- the high will make that go away!
so life in recovery presents a depth of experience i was ill-equipped to deal with and since i am no different than addicts across the world, i am sure that learning how to be a part of my life and experience everything life has to offer is something i need to give away to keep.

so what is up with me today?
• i am a bit concerned about driving to Grand Junction and back again over the next two days
• i am excited about the possibility of my new client
• i am concerned about a few of the men i sponsor, as i have not heard from them in recent days
• i am still afraid of this whole new self-employment gig
• ... but i am clean today, and moving forward with this new life the best i can

so off to the mountains i go. and i know everything will be okay, if i allow it to be!

∞ DT ∞