Blog entry for:

a struggle and when i ignore that fact of life, i am being at best, disingenuous. certainly many of my peers seem to have a view of recovery that seems all daffodils and rainbows. for them, maybe that is truly the case. i cannot faulty them, although i often do, for sharing their message of recovery. for me, HOWEVER, that is hardly the case, between the daffodils in my life there are thistles and leafy spurge and rainbows only happen after a storm. today, i as am coming to the end of my latest storm, i feel hopeful and certainly excited to be traveling south to spend some time with my sponsor. among the facts that provide HOPE for this addict, is here in this fellowship there are those who get clean, stay clean and live a program of recovery:

Christian F.
Congrats on SIX (6) years clean.

Carl K.
Congrats on FORTY-FOUR (44) years clean.

seeing my Mom struggling the affects of aging and her manner of living, is quite disheartening for me. it does make me more determined to keep up my fitness program when i return to the office next week. i know, daily workouts are no panacea or guarantee that i will not end up in the same state as she is, twenty years down the line, but it certainly allows me to feel a bit more in control. exercising is a daily exercise of using my personal power in a constructive manner. i know full well what happens to me, when i choose to say that “i just do not feel like doing it today.” today turns into two days, then a week and the next thing i know, i am forty pounds heavier and back squeezing into size thirty-six waist pants, wondering WTF happened. living my recovery seems to follow a similar path. when i choose to “skip” one or more elements of my daily recovery program today, it becomes easier to do so, tomorrow, after all, i did not end up under a bridge with a needle in my arm after one day on not taking a daily inventory.
this morning, the message of HOPE i am willing to share is that life in recovery, even with all its ups and downs, is worth the resources i put into it. i may look like i my recovery is on auto-pilot, BUT, i work on living a recovery program, every single day, even when i do not feel like doing so. today, i am concerned that my Mom will never leave rehab because she is too stubborn to do the required work. i also know i have to let that go and encourage her with love and not punish her with the negative outcomes that may be coming down the road. i also know that like my Mom, there are many in my fellowship who do not want to hear the worst possible outcome, or believe that if they share their “issues” they may drive away the addict who is still suffering. i can truly say, that when i was new, i listened more closely to those who talked about their struggles and tended to disbelieve and tune out those who “never had a bad day in their recovery.” today, for me, so far, is a good day to be clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞