Some memes

and accepted recovery, i did not really believe it was possible for me and i certainly did not understand how it would work, BUT i worked STEP ZERO and was willing enough to do whatever it might take. i did not admit it and was nowhere close to conceding to my innermost self that i was desperate. what i had was more than a certain uneasy feeling that i would never free myself from the chains of the justice system, if things kept going the way they were going. my desire to use, consumed me more and more each day, even after periods of being quiescent. after making it through the greatest test of my life, not using when i bought the drugs and was in the company of a using buddy, i saw how vulnerable was to relapse and it would only be a matter of time before i slipped back into active using, which would certainly lead to at the minimum a revocation and reinstatement of my probation.
moving along my journey of recovery, none of this stuff has come easily for me. i was either too smart, to set in my ways or just to obstinate to accept anything on FAITH, even though when i was using i always had faith that i would get what i paid for, even after being burned once or twice. that irony hardly escapes me, but at least i stuck around, took enough direction and was at least willing enough to actually work more than one set of steps.
fast forward to my life and willingness today. after a very long minute of dithering in the uncertainly of what the POWER that fuels my recovery should look and act like and hiding under the lie i was too broken to be seen, i am finally finding more than a bit of light in my life. even though i have yet to put pen to paper of my FOURTH STEP, i am finally feeling what i need to write about. this s certainly a case of letting my head and my heart come to the same place. i can justify and rationalize all that i want about not starting my writing. the fact is, six weeks ago i felt i really had nothing to write about and was going to write a shit ton of bullshit and vague scenarios that fut the letter of my writing, but hardly fit the spirit of it. i am quite sure my sponsor would have seen through that pile of garbage and sent me back to writing it all over again. even if he let it slide, i would have cheated myself out of the growth that i need to have happen, right here and right now. it would have been me, hiding once again in plain sight, which has exhausted me emotionally and spiritually for far too long. i value myself much more than just “phoning it in” these days.
today as i got up from the void, and yes today was certainly a deep dive into the void, i felt a certain willingness to allow myself to continue to feel my way towards my resentment list. as i plod my way to work today, i will remember that work is a choice i made and when the week gets long for me, as it has this week, i can take comfort in the fact that my bank account will love me and i will continue to grow in my job. i am after all a volunteer for my life today and not a victim.

∞ DT ∞