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i can find contentment, happiness, and a deeply meaningful life. the real trick is finding the path that allows me to do so. i am not inherently one of those look on the bright side of life guys. in fact dark and cynical is an apt description of who i ended up as, when i finally came to recovery AND accepted that i was powerless over addiction. there was thirteen months between those two events and although i hear all the time about processes and events, those were events that occurred in an instant and altered the course of my life, setting in motion the processes that i have come to know as living a program. when i heard that happiness was a choice, my first thought was what sort of Kool-Aid do i need to drink for that to become part of my life? see dark and cynical!
my second sponsor, suggested that i not obsess about that and do my best to: work my steps, go to meetings, live just for today through the spiritual principles of the program and more would be revealed. being desperate enough to have a better life than i had at that time, 18 or so months clean, i followed his suggestion and let go of this notion. a year later, when this particular reading came around again, i forgot about all the internal turmoil and strife that this caused and i started to get my first clues that like my recovery, happiness is an inside job.
the transformation was far complete, and even today, i can revert to dark and cynical, in a heartbeat. i do, however realize that is a CHOICE today, that i GET TO MAKE and no longer the main mode of my life. the nice part is that i can choose to be Sammy Sunshine as well, but that too, is a choice. who am i really? well someone in between those two extreme. i can feel happiness, contentment and serenity at times, as well as see nothing but the dark and gloomy and often all at the same the time. when i hear others going on about this brand or that, or dressing in labels for whatever reason, i look to myself to see if i am seeking to be happy through things, once again. the key here is not how much i have, how many people love, if i have a roof over my head or even if i have an IPAD, all of that is nice and part of my life, BUT none of that will make me happy, unless i allow it to. i am happy this morning, and i am, because i work up with a CHOICE and ever since making that CHOICE, namely the choice not to use no matter what, each and every decision i have made has just been part of my morning. not one has made me happy but all of them have contributed to the satisfaction with myself, and that satisfaction helps me to BE HAPPY.
so does that mean my world is spinning in perfect accordance with some esoteric and divine plan? maybe. it does mean that i am more than likely using the power that i have access to, to live in the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. so am i happy the morning is getting away from me, and i have yet to run? as a matter of fact i am. i have accomplished a lot and by letting the events of this morning unfold as they will, i am better prepared to face the day than i was hours ago. even though as far as i can see, not a whole bunch of stuff to face today. so as i wait for my laundry to cycle, i will spend a few minutes looking at what i want to do today, what i need to today and see if i can reconcile them, after all when i can do that, i am more than certain to be content and even <GASP> HAPPY!if you are celebrating any holiday today or this week, have an excellent one and may your expectations be met, i know mine have been!

∞ DT ∞