Blog entry for:

this is first and only warning.
i am not who ascribes to the notion that any human deserves or is entitled to be happy, PERIOD! if what i am about to write offends you to the point of being butt-hurt, talk to someone else, because i gave a strong foreshadowing of what i am about to write.
it is true that i live in a country where the “mission statements” that i am endowed with unalienable rights, chief among these are life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness. notice my purposeful emphasis on the word of pursuit. even the founders of the country i call my home, seemed to sense that although they could not legislate happiness, they needed to express the opportunity for them and their peers to pursue happiness. this often misquoted line is used by many around me, to bolster their arguments that they DESERVE happiness, and if they are not getting it, something must be wrong with the world or that the system is “rigged.” i have been a part of that camp, in active addiction, in abstinence, in my early recovery and even from time to time, not all that long ago. as an addict, i more than frequently dwell in the “house of not good enough,” and when i do, i believe that i am entitled to all sorts of crazy sh!t.
backing up a minute, i did not come to recovery to be miserable. i do not remain in recovery to be miserable. i demand that i find a better way to face life and the world, each and every day, and for me, that does not mean manufacturing misery. the flip side of that coin is that i have not become a Mary Sunshine, optimist, where when life gives me lemons, i just smile and make lemonade. so i exist some where between abject misery and unbridled ecstasy most of the time. that is not a bad place to live. as a recovering person, i am always looking for the opportunity to cash in on the spiritual abundance that is being offered me. for me happiness is not a perception problem, nor is it a matter of adjusting my attitudes. happiness, as the reading points out, consists of being satisfied, which as an addict i hardly ever am, and being content. although both of those components appear to boil down to perception, i see them more of a state being awake and present. since being awake and a participant in my life, is certainly my choice, than it follows that i am responsible for my own happiness. it is up to me the cherish those moments that bring me joy ass well as those that bring me misery, and allow all of them to happen as they will.
others will say that we deserve to be happy, and i can almost agree. i believe i deserve to have the opportunity to find happiness, which is a far cry from the entitlement ship that many people ride. i believe that when i look at my life today, and compare it to where i was those many days ago, sitting in a jail cell, wondering how the fvck i was going to get out, i see that i am happy today. i have adult responsibilities and a very adult life, which does NOT preclude me from being happy. i can support myself and my significant other. i can be present for those people who grace my life with their presence. most of all, i GET to face today as a full-blown participant in my life and my active recovery, without believing i deserve anything but a chance to be happy. it is in taking that chance that i make my happiness and feel the joy, satisfaction, gratitude and contentment that comprises the complex notion of happiness i have today. no one, no thing and no place “makes” me happy, they are all just part of my pageant of life. once upon a time, my pursuit of happiness led me down a dark and twisted path, and through the magic of chemistry, i did feel happiness, in the fleeting seconds of getting high. in fact, right up until the end, getting high made me happy, and perhaps that is why i still romanticize about how life was then and there, i was in control of my happiness. that control lasted right up until the end and what i forget was the rest of the time, the other 99.9999% of my life where i dwelt in the house of being miserable.
yes i can always return there, but this morning, i think l i am going sign off and head on out for life in the real world and not so much in the world of “if only” or “what if.” i have more than enough stuff that will happen to take care of today, including grasping the opportunity to be happy, when ni see it coming.

∞ DT ∞