Blog entry for:

i will find my happiness by being of service to others.
so this morning, i am far to tired to even begin to feel this Susie Sunshine kind of reading, as being a part of what i really want to do. i can pay lip service to the reading, stating how much i like this, then go out and trounce on anyone that happens to get in my way, and as long as no one from the fellowship sees me doing so, i am perfectly fine, after all, i GOT away with something, that i must have NEEDED to do.
yes, that is where my head is taking me this morning. the reasons for this are numerous, but actually not relevant. the salient fact here, is that i ay less than my emotional and spiritual best this morning, and i NEED to be aware that my reactions, my desires and yes even my feelings may betray me today, if i do not pause and allow myself a moment to catch-up with what i want to do next.
back to Susie Sunshine…
i realize that the reading is speaking of deriving happiness from being selfless. although that is all well and good, this morning i feel that i do not NEED to derive happiness from anywhere and planning on being happy, feels almost like using. after all, when i was using, i planned my feelings out for the day and knew what i was going to feel, the moment the chemistry hey my central nervous system. yes this morning the loophole addict is in full charge and exploring a loophole or two is not bad work when i can find it. what i feel when i hear that happiness comes from my actions, is somehow cheated out of what i am striving for, namely being happy as just a feeling and allowing that feeling to run its course and move on, without having to foster it through actions or behaviors. hey that is what i used to do, foster me feelings through chemistry and behaviors, how ids this any different. that is the rub, at least for me. why is it not enough to allow myself to feel one way or another? why is not enough to serve others, because that is what i WANT to do, not because it makes me feel good? why, why why?!!
because i am an addict, a recovering one that is true, but an addict nevertheless, and my entire using career centered on controlling my feelings as a very desirable side-effect of getting high. putting ideals into terms i understand as an addict, is what this fellowship is all about. i can serve for no reason at all. and i can be happy just bemuse i am drawing breath on this side of the grass. those are the ideals, less than perfect people like me, need a bit of incentive form time to time, to strive for those ideals and to give myself a bit of HOPE, that i am becoming the sort of person who does and is exactly what i seem to be.
now it is more than time, to get on the road again and see if i can not mow anyone down as i course through today.

∞ DT ∞