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to messages from unlikely messengers, has not always been a part of how i live. in fact, more often than not, i consciously dismiss anything that comes out of the mouths of those i do not respect or who i deem less than worthy of my attention. to say anything else, would make me no better than those of my peers that for whom i i have disdain. what really jumped out at me this morning was: “my recovery has been improved by people who couldn't seem to take their own advice,” which provides me the means to listen to what they say without judging whether they do or do not do.
i know in the past i probably have said i am a “good” and if “good” is a relative term, that would be the truth, as i am “gooder” than i have ever been before. the reality, in my case anyhow, is i often hear what is being said and push it through the filter of what they have done, rather than accepting it at face value and allowing myself to feel the emotions of the messenger and empathize with what they happen to be sharing. even my peers who fall back on bon mots and bumper stickers when they share, have something to share and may be living in a state of FEAR at being exposed in the cold harsh light of reality. been there, done that, certainly have more than one T-shirt.
moving into the here and now, i am sort of upset by something a co-worker did on Friday, while i was not present to talk to them. i was pissed off and it makes more work for me today and on Friday, but what i came to see as i did my PT exercises is, that in the long run, the changes they made are certainly what needed to be done and the added work is not all that much for me to do. it has taken me a very long minute to accept that their “help” is not a personal attack, even when it feels like it is. after spending the weekend where i was seen as some sort of “hero” getting back to being just one of those guys, colored my perception of what i found when i started work this morning. this trip up North was a bit different for me, as now i am not only welcomed, but expected to show up and be present. i can live with that perception of who i am these days, and perhaps it really is not far off the mark. i may no longer “owe” a debt to my family, but i certainly have the desire to be part of that clan. living life in my skin these days, is not as difficult as it once was and allowing others to see me as i am, rather than how i think i want to be, is a step in the correct direction. part of that is to silence the judge, jury and executioner and allow myself the freedom to listen, even when i think someone is full of … JUST FOR TODAY!

∞ DT ∞