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or thing can make me happy, but a whole lot of people and things, just might be able to!? it has been quite a week, and finally the ride is coming to a halt. unfortunately, someone who merely disrespected me and made demands that i saw as unreasonable, paid the price for my ire. do i owe that person an apology, HELL NO, in fact after the patronizing and dismissive manner in which she responded to my concerns, i would be better served to just walk away and not look back. i can see why this person is self=-employed as they have no notion of respecting those they depend upon and if it were not for the personal relationship i have built over the years with our client, i would do exactly that. “Sorry to inconvenience/overwhelm you,” is so patronizing that i almost screamed out in fury and told that person in less than courteous terms, what a piece of living self-absorbed piece of shite they are, and quite truthfully a year ago i would have let them have it with both barrels and not worried about the fallout. after the week i had, i more than a bit sensitive to disrespect and was certainly looking for a target to direct my rage, what a perfect storm and man of man, was i justified in letting them having to answer the question of: “who the fVck do you think you are?”
did that make me happy? no not really, smug and more than a bit self-satisfied, but far from happy. i once believed that with the right combination of life events, material possessions and people in my life, i would be happy. when that was not achievable the substances i took were a poor substitute and filled the bill in a very transitory manner. when i came to recovery, i heard others in another fellowship seeming to promise that i would become HAPPY, joyous and free, and felt deprived that even after a year of playing their game, nothing really changed inside of me, i was NOT HAPPY nor was i any happier than when i came into the rooms. i felt gypped and slighted and if not for an external consequence that i was not about to trigger, i would have walked away form this whole recovery gig. one thing that i make perfectly clear to those my peers with less experience in the program is that the ONLY promise that is made is FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION. i have discovered ion that freedom there is a path to being happy and joyous as well.
so i am not a GOD and miracles kind of guy, nor am i some sort of spiritual guru who lives with his head in the clouds. i am a cynic and can find the grain of salt in every sweet candy, in fact, more and more i am coming to see that a bit of darkness when all is bright, makes me appreciate the brightness even more.i do not live in the illusory fantasy world where i choose to spin the events that i do not like, in a manner that makes them seem okay. i am not one of those “mysterious ways,” kind of people either. for me, happiness starts with letting go of my expectations and learning to find contentment with what is going on. that does not mean i surrender ambition and my desire to grow, it means that i do NOT expect it to happen today. determining my TRUE emotional response to what goes on in my life, allows me to see all of those unmet expectations and stop fretting about the outcomes. when i move into that mode, i am content and being content may just be, for me anyhow, the path to happiness.
tolerance ➾ acceptance ➾ contentment ➾ happiness
and guess what, never once in that chain did i say settling for anything less than i am worth. the question that begs asking is: am i happy today? the answer that seems to go without saying, right here and right now, why yes i am and thank you for asking. the little creepy person who i dealt with late last night and once again this morning, seemed to be trying to assert power that they thought they had. whether or not that is the case, i refuse to play doormat for anyone. today i can be assertive and yes a bit abrasive in response, but i was not and am not wrong in responding the way i did. they of course will justify their behavior as “well i did not expect,” which is a bald-faced lie, of course they expected to to say “how high.” the fact is, i am now ready to move into my Saturday morning and yes, i am happy today and well as a bit angry and vengeful. i will however let go of my anger as i have given that little piece of whatever far too much power over me, for far too long

∞ DT ∞