Blog entry for:

to come to me when i least strive for them.
okay, here i sit with the boyz enjoying a cigar and writing my blog. wot a freakin day it has been, failed jobs, early on the road, long day at work, lots of meetings than freakin a$$holes on the road back to town. amazingly, as i relax and unwind, i really do not care anymore, just needed something to whine about.
so the reading as i best can remember after the 10 hours was about being happy. i would love to say, that when i am happy, it is purely an inside job, that would be a lie. most of the time, i can be happy, without using outside, but a good cigar and good company will do the trick. when it takes a new shiny somethin, somethin, well maybe it is time to call my sponse.
going down that path a bit further, when i was using, absolutely nothing made me happy. yes i could achieve states of being that emulated happiness, and i was so closed down to what was happening inside, that for those 20 minutes, i could say that i was happy, and that was so transient, that i gave up on ever feeling happy again. denial, however, kept me from realizing that until i got clean and got some recovery.
early recovery was not that much different. i still relied on outside influences to make me happy. make is the pertinent word in that last statement, learning to feel took quite some time for me. i believed that people places and things MADE me feel one way or another. in a sense that was correct. what i did not realize was that my feelings were reactions, initiated through the filter of my defective character. as i grow in recovery, i have come to see that my feelings, especially happiness, arise from within and can often be a product of expectations. sure it is easy to be happy when everything goes as i expect it to, and yet as i write this, enjoying the afternoon, i can say that i am happy.
it is time however to wrap this up, come back to the here and now and get ready to head on over to a meeting. who knows maybe tomorrow will once again fit into my carefully crafted routine, or not.

∞ DT ∞