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be happy or happily choosing to live in the real world are not, in my opinion, binary and mutually exclusive choices. they certainly do however, present a bit of tension, as i navigate through my daily life. i can state with a high degree of certainty that my needs are met on a daily basis. i can also state that a shit-ton of my desires are fulfilled as well. i was not born under a bad sign, i do not believe that life is out to “get me,” or there is some grand scheme to deny me the opportunity to be happy. what i heard this morning, as i sat, is that i can choose to be happy or miserable.
i have stated that many times in the past, that i am a realist when it comes to viewing what i have and have not in my life. yes i would like to be younger, better looking and more financially well-off. the fact is, i am not and i can let my unmet unrealistic expectations rule the way i feel, or i can let go, and take care of what i have a bit of power over. i cannot reverse the aging process and i willingly gave twenty-five years of my life over to addiction. sitting where i am today, knowing what i know today, i might have done a few things different, way back when, but the fact of the matter, my life today is the culmination of the choices i have made, since that first time i got high and thought i had found “it.”
when i look at how i got where i am, there is certainly a bit of remorse, but also some gratitude, because when i finally allowed myself to see behind my story, i stuck with the toughest task i ever undertook, getting clean and learning to live in recovery. there have been many times when i could have chosen to partake of this or that and started the experiment to disprove that i am an addict, and teach and every time i have asked myself if it was worth the chance. was it worth sacrifice the happiness and contentment i have found, to feel what i once felt was my ultimate purpose in life. the fact is, when i looked at that choice, there really was a moment where i wondered if getting high just once would lead to a better life for me and i decided that it probably would not.
i know i am far from the “perfect” example of an addict who lives a program of recovery. i share more often about the challenges i face on a daily basis, rather that the joy of a life clean and free from active addiction. i tend to see the darker side, often ignoring the rainbows and unicorns. i do not paint the rosiest picture of living life clean “for the newcomer.” and most importantly i believe there is always more work for me to do. that does not mean i am less than satisfied with my life or that i am not content with where i am going. it simply is who i am and i no longer feel the need to hide behind a story of what i want everyone to think i am. i do not see myself as “settling” for the life i have today, i worked hard to get here and the joy and happiness i feel today is directly proportional to the work i have done. it is true, i am having trouble putting into words what i am feeling as the THIRD STEP works me, but what i think is going on, is that i am trying to apply an obsolete paradigm to something that will never fit inside that structure. all i need to do is let go of what i think i need to understand and go with the FAITH i feel and make that decision, just for today.

∞ DT ∞