Blog entry for:

joy, and freedom that i have come to expect as part of living an active program of recovery, is tempered by the realities of life on its own terms. to say that the past year has been a challenge, would be underplaying the events and the emotions i have experienced. allowing the rock i have been pushing up the hill of learning to be myself and not caring about starting at the bottom of that hill, has certainly freed me to become something more. it has taken a minute but i no longer believe that i am broken, nor was i ever broken, despite the messages i received from those i loved and trusted, way back when. they may never realize what their words and actions created and they do not have to, this is and always has been my journey and the forays into the dark and dank recesses of my mind were always my choice. the fact that i did not realize that i was making a choice is on me as well and the choice i make today is to be the best me i can be.
Sisyphus is an interesting metaphor of my life before my FIFTH STEP last year. i certainly was sentenced, by my own hand, to live with the burden of the lie i told myself until it became my “truth.” i never considered that my freedom from that trial would come when i let go and allowed that rock to disappear into the depths, rather than having to crest the hill, to be freed from that labor. here i sit a year later, knowing that i took that lie on as part of my identity and i was afraid of who i might become if i let that go. i do not know who i will become, but i certainly am starting to relish the process of “becoming.”
i am also coming to see that no matter what happens in the life of someone else, if they do not want to change what they are doing, they will not change, regardless of the consequences. i accept that i am the only one who can affect change in my life, so i need to accept that they are the sole agent of change in their life. if they choose to slide into a long-term care facility, then i have to accept their choice. of course, they will tell me that is not what they want BUT … the rationalizations and excuses will fly, but in the end, words will not change the results of inaction. as sad as that may make me to consider that outcome, it too is part of a reality that i cannot alter. my job in this instance is to love them and allow them the freedom to kill themselves and not enable them to do so, just for today. expecting different results when the behaviors do not change, is truly insanity at its finest and today, i need not go there. just for today, i will accept that life is a mixed bag and choose to be as happy as i can with what i am dealt, as i walk through this day.

∞ DT ∞