Blog entry for:

i can accept a situation i used to run from . well here i am on the bus, it is the 55th anniversary of the day i was born and i am simply amazed that i am still around. more importantly, as i type this entry on my gift to myself, i can say that i am grateful that i have the life i have. oh yeah, Safari does not havea very robust spell-check, or i do not have it enabled.
so enough of the off-topic musing, i can say that this whole notion of acting “as-if”, has always presented a problem or two for me. when i was in actve addiction, pretending i was feeling what i was not, or acting like was someone else, fearless, assertive and confident, was my modus-operndi. the results were that i ususllay GOT what i wanted and thought i needed. so when i was told that in recovery, i continue the same behavior, well dude, i thought i had won the BIG prize in the lottery. after all, i knew all about pretending! it took me a minute or two to understand that that acting “as-if” was not the same as pretending i was someone i was not.
yes when i was using i peretended i was fearless, but that is not the same as acting courageous, when i am sh!tting my pants in fear. in those days, i DID acknowledge that i was afraid, today i feel my FEAR and i still do what i need to do. in otehr words i FACE my fear and walk through it. the next thing i know is that when that FEAR comes around again, i have the experinece that i can face it, and becomes that much easier to face. once gain i have behaved my way into better thinking. when i am feeling lower that whale dung, acting “as-if” i am on top of the world, ma; is not appropriate, IMHO, that is dishonest and is no different than the behavior i walked into the room. in that situation, i once again acknowledge that feeling, accept taht i am feeling it and walk forward in my day, doing my level best to be here and be now, confident taht this too shall pass! i know the difference between honestly facing something and acting like someone i am not, is a very fine lien and as much as i hate to say it, that has to be part of my daily inventory and it is. the real question ends up being, was i hiding from who i am, or was i working towards becoming the man i have always wanted to be. the question i ask myself as i walk through my day is WWDD (What Would Don DO), would he cower in fear or would he practice the SMALLEST BIT OF COURAGE AND MOVE FORWRD? would he set and enforce boundary, or would he allow himself to be wlked over and used? after all, i DO have a visoin of the man i want to be, and i have the desire to fulfill that vision, one day at a time.
so it is time to sign off and prepare to face the work day. it is an excellent day to be on ths side of the dirt and i think i will celebrate it.

∞ DT ∞