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up until this morning i was very confused about what this was all about. i used to think that it meant acting as if i was happy even if my world was falling apart. i also thought that this meant acting as if nothing was wrong ever, that somehow i had the power to convince others that everything in my life got perfect when i got clean. this caused me a great deal of confusion because it flies in the face of one of the fundamental spiritual principles of recovery -- HONESTY.
for the first time i am beginning to understand what this really means, that no matter what situation i have to face, no matter how much fear i feel about dealing with it, i only have to walk through the situation and do the best i can, applying the spiritual principles as needed. i do not have to deny that i am afraid of sharing what is going on inside in the rooms, but i need to face that fear and share ‘as if’ i am totally trusting and confident that it will all turn out for the better. i have heard and said over and over again that courage is not the lack of fear, but rather facing my fear and walking through it. now i am starting to see how i need to apply that in my life.
i am still afraid to share everything that is going on inside me in a meeting, and yet i encourage those who ask for my opinion to share openly and honestly, to face their fears and walk through them. now i understand that my fears and trust issues are no less important than theirs and i need to follow my own suggestions. i am afraid to move forward in my career, because i feel unworthy of looking for a job that leads to an intellectually stimulating and financially rewarding job. following the suggestion of the reading, i NEED to face those feelings and do the footwork to find the job that will allow me to grow in my intellectual and financial life.
so here i am thinking about finding an opportunity to act ‘as if’, just for today.
∞ DT ∞