Blog entry for:

leads me to think differently and when i think differently, i have the opportunity to respond to the stimulus of life on its own terms, rather than react to it. this morning, i am, wondering what is **wrong** with me. the event that i have been waiting for finally occurred midday yesterday and our **permanent** house guest decided that living in our home was too tough, and walked out into a waiting car. a few days ago, i thought i would be turning cartwheels and jumping for joy, upon their departure, however, as the reality of that they did, sinks in, that is not what i am feeling.
this morning i am a bit sad that they left without actually making any progress to becoming a functioning member of society. i feel concerned that they may fall back into the only life they have known, now that they are back in the “real” world. i am angry that manipulated us to invest way more in their life that they were willing to invest themselves. i am angry that my partner for life was hurt, more than once by the actions, words and lack of concern on the part of our “guest.” what feels the worst, is the relief i feel that i no longer have to whisper, walk on eggshells or take measures to protect my home, from the uncertainty of what our guest felt they were entitled to do. quite the mixed bag of feelings and in my twice daily prayers i will ask for them to find a safe and sane harbor, that will provide them the means to move forward out of their self-entitled bubble of fantasy.
as i examine my behavior last night, in the wake of the sudden departure to parts unknown, i found no fault in how i treated them. i allowed them for the space they needed to do what they wanted to do and no matter how resentful i felt about having to work each day, to support their “retreat” from the real world, i never took my feelings out on them. i withdrew from interacting with them and was courteous and brief when i did speak to them, rather than letting them have it with “both barrels,” and trust me i have enough ammunition to fatally wound them. as i sit here and pat myself on the back, for accommodating what i did for as long as i did, there is a wave of gratitude washing over me. i may not have been where they were, but i could certainly end up where they seem to be going and fortunately for me, i have a network of support to with which to wrap myself.
looking out my window on the birthday present that Mother Nature has given me this morning, i can see that i will not be going outside for a work out any time soon. i could allow that to “define” my day or i can act like an adult and take it in stride and be okay with alternate methods of achieving my exercise goal today. for right now, however, i think i will allow myself the freedom to move forward into this day and see what happens, just for today.

∞ DT ∞