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i try what i have learned on an experimental basis. there are some ideas and concepts from this recovery program, that i have issues with, from time to time. the whole acting as if gig, is one of those. every time i hear this, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, even though in practice, it was something that i did way back when, and still practice today. there are times when i wish there was a better term, one that conveyed what this was, instead of one that implies dishonesty and being disingenuous.
yes, i prayed before i ever found any sort of contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery. yes, i kept coming back, long before i had any FAITH that this program would work for me. and yes, i still have HOPE for every person who drags themselves into the rooms, even though the evidence is that they will soon walk out again. i even do things that i am afraid to do, practicing COURAGE. what id do not do, is act as if it does not scare me. i am fully on board with the concept of behaving my way to better thinking. although the psychobabble addict of the other night is clueless, trying to think their way into better behavior, i understand that this process does work both ways. it is up to me which way i want to go. most of the time i choose behave -> better thinking. which means i do what is suggested and evaluate the outcome. if i am satisfied with the results, i add it to my repertoire, if not, i move on. which is so much closer to what the whole ides of acting as if concept is about for me.
why do i feel so strongly about this? well, there are examples of this concept in action, that left some deep and ugly battle scars. as a result, i am quite careful about ever suggesting those things that caused that to happen to anyone. the whole borrowed HIGHER POWER concept, is part of this gig, and one that deeply affected the direction of my recovery for quite some time. as desperate as i was, even though i did not appear to be so, way back when, i adopted the HIGHER POWER of my first sponsor, not realizing that the issues i had with that version, were unresolved, and quite possibly never will be resolved. pretending they did not exist and acting as if that HIGHER POWER was truly the one for me, kept me from moving forward in my growth. oh i did the step work, and i made my amends, but without that connection, it really was just going through the motions. i stayed clean, and when the time was right, i discovered a whole different fellowship in which to recover, one that really does put their money where their mouth is, when it comes to the HIGHER POWER stuff.
so acting as if i was working the steps and growing, did keep me clean, however it set-up withing me a dissonance that almost killed me. i did not belong, and yet that was where i had to be.
that near death experience is still a part of me and brings me to this point, how do i know when this instance of acting as if is not working? when do i let go? tough questions, that i can get answers for, although there is no size fits all answer for either one. the answer is when i see it is not working! the only way i can see that is to BE PRESENT for what is going on in me and the world around me, and adapt my actions to fit the new reality. i am quite certain, that today, i am in the right place,a nd up to now, am doing the right thing. it is a day off from running and day to celebrate the anniversary of my birth. i am grateful that i am here today and will be able to have some fun, relax a bit and see what comes my way, oh yeah a little bit of work as well. life is good today and i think i will go out and enjoy it.

∞ DT ∞