Blog entry for:

on an experimental basis. well, here we go again, the annual anniversary of my entry into this bright and beautiful; cold and dark world. once again, i am writing about a concept that has challenged a friend and acquaintance of mine, the entire time he has been in the program, because it is so fraught with seeming contradictions. the problem as i see it is in how i define the word “act.”
what i have come to understand, at least for me, is that the word act means to behave and not to pretend, as in acting by the Hollyweird actors. it is quite easy to get confused when one looks at the definition:

act
• (intransitive) To do something. If you don't act soon, you will be in trouble.
• (obsolete, transitive) To do (something); to perform.
• (intransitive) To perform a theatrical role.
  I started acting at the age of eleven in my local thereat.
• (intransitive) To behave in a certain way.
  He's acting strangely - I think there's something wrong with him.
• (copulative) To convey an appearance of being.
  He acted unconcerned so the others wouldn't worry.
• (intransitive, construed with on or upon) To have an effect (on).
  High-pressure oxygen acts on the central nervous system and may cause convulsions or death.
  Gravitational force acts on heavy bodies.
• (transitive) To play (a role).
  He's been acting Shakespearean leads since he was twelve.
• (transitive) To feign.
  He acted the angry parent, but was secretly amused
• (mathematics, intransitive, construed with on or upon, of a group) To map via a homomorphism to a group of automorphisms (of).
  This group acts on the circle, so it can't be left-orderable!
• (obsolete, transitive) To move to action; to actuate; to animate

Wiktionary, the free dictionary

WHEW, what a lot of work, but certainly worth it, as it illustrates my point completely. that point being, that for me, when i used to think of acting as if i would believe i was pretending to be something i was not. behaving in a confident ,manner, even when i scared sh!tless, is not dishonest. using the language to describe my view of the spiritual world, that is borrowed from a tradition i do not follow is dishonest. in that case i am acting a part, instead of trying to accommodate my peers and describe that side of the world around me. pretending that i am some sort of spiritual guru, just to look good, is not the same as praying to “whatever may be out there,” before discovering my spiritual path. in fact, acting as if, is part of the way i behaved my way to better thinking. when i first let someone into my life, by revealing parts of me, i kept well under wraps, of course i was afraid, worried and nervous, and i am quite certain that was obvious. when that revelation did not come back to bite me in the a$$, i felt a little bit more assured the next time i had to show someone, a part of me i did not like. each and every time i followed the dictum of acting as if, i got that much more healthier, overall and i started to see the value of behaving my way to better thinking.
as you can see, i do not see acting in a manner that is not consistent with how i am feeling in the here and now, is not necessarily a bad thing, and to tell the truth, it was something i was very good at, way back when. that does not mean that when i am angry, i smile and pretend that i am okay. nor does that mean when i am sad, that i keep myself from crying and laugh with my friends and peers. and yes, even sometimes when i am scared, i let others know that i am scared, even when i walk in the FAITH that yes, even i can do this. and so it goes, for me, acting as if does not meant pretending to be something i am not, and for me, it is part of becoming a whole, genuine and self-aware person, just for today.

∞ DT ∞