Blog entry for:

the nature of the divine and especially GOD, HOWEVER i prayed anyway.
this reading fits right in with where i am today. i am not happy about being 57 years old today, as i do not want to age. i am HOWEVER happy that i am celebrating the end of another year on this side of the turf. yes the irony of aging and the disconnect with my joy of life is amazing. so in the matter of acting “as-if,” do i act as if i am happy or as if i am sad? oh i could go on and on, what i am feeling this morning is that i acknowledge my birthday, i celebrate with those who wish to celebrate it with me, and i quietly remember what the REAL alternative would be. sweeping that away, and clearing the decks in a metaphorical sense, i can get to what i heard and felt this morning, in the few minutes i gave myself to be present with what is going on. what i heard was a couple of things, like where my relationship with my friend who is in the hospital, contemplating surgery is going. and what it was like to enter the program as an agnostic and the first thing i was told, was that belief system would have to go. the answer to the first question will be revealed over the course of the next few days, the second however is what i need and will write about this morning.
the biggest issue facing me, way back when, was that i landed in the wrong fellowship to start with. when i was getting clean, there was very little tolerance for anyone that did not ascribe to a very white and very Christian concept of GOD. oh they played lip service to the notion that i could choose my own Higher Power and that coming to believe was a journey, but everything was set-up to force me to pray on my knees to a GOD that i doubted existed. i was just desperate enough to stay out of prison, that is what i did, and i never looked back.
today, i am certain that my decision to act “as-if,” in this instance stunted my spiritual growth, since i never believed, praying to nothing, even on my knees and knowing that nothing would talk to me, when i tried to listen, meant never moving forward in my life as a spiritual being. my second set of steps, which were once upon a time supposed to be about my romantic relationships, opened the door finally, when i was asked by my spanking new sponsor, in the fellowship that has become my home, why i did what i did, when i had never come to believe in anything but myself? my journey started on the day he asked me if i needed to pray on my knees to access the love of my HIGHER POWER and from that question, the cascade of questions that followed, when i actually worked a second and third step, has created the belief system i have now. because of that, the men i sponsor, get a whole lot more freedom in steps two and three, to take their time and start the exploration for the path to their concept of a HIGHER POWER. none of this borrow my concept bullshit for me, as i find that so distasteful and dishonest, i would rather poke my eyes out with red hot irons, rather than foist that upon someone else.
well, there i go again, dissing someone else. honestly, i cannot blame them for my actions, as i was trying everything i could to disqualify myself from recovery, including praying to an empty space.
i get acting as-if i am not scared about speaking in front of crowds, by just doing it. i get acting as-if i can read, by doing my best to read the reading out loud at meetings. i get a lot of acting as-if, as it means that i do something i may not try and do, because i am afraid. that demonstrates courage. i even get coming to meetings and working steps with a sponsor, even though i do not believe that recovery is for me, as the results of that action have been amazing for me. the rest? well i get it, but there are many of those as-ifs, i would not suggest for anyone else, as i know the damage they did to me. anyhow it is a good day to be clean and yes i am grateful for my 57 years even the 25 i spent in active addiction, as all those days, have made me the person i am today.

∞ DT ∞