Blog entry for:

to becoming the person i was meant to be. do on this day, the sixty-fourth anniversary on my entry into this world, i have to deal with the death of my Dad, last night. i am way past being angry and look at it being a blessing that he finally ceased fighting last night, so i do not have to share my birthday with the anniversary of his death, in the years to come. the tears come and go in waves and as my friend, peers and acquaintances express their wishes for me to have a happy birthday today, i will have to remember that ironically, i just may be able to do just that, as i GET to celebrate the cycle of life in the span of two days. my life will go on, and my Dad's journey to the next phase was prefaced by two weeks at home, so i had lots of time to prepare for this event and process through the feelings. oh i will cry some more. i will feel the grief as i help my family prepare for the “public” part of my Dad's death. i will move waves of all sorts of feelings and need to feel the empty place in my life, that my Dad once filled. i got to give him the gift of human contact, as he made his transition and even though i have been accused of “counting the hours to his demise” i will never apologize for hanging with him, as he slipped away. that was not grief, that was kindness.
this morning, i am working a little bit, i am going for a walk, even though this is a week “off” from working out, i will meet with a sponsee and i will allow myself to accept the offerings of my friends and peers, as i walk through this emotional maelstrom. the last set of steps, revealed a huge amends i need to make to my Dad, and unfortunately, by the time i did the work and saw it, it was too late to have the dialogue we needed to have. yeah, it would have been nice to assuage my guilt, but to what ends and at what cost? i GOT to say goodbye and i did not have to put any “spin” on my efforts to ease his passing, as i sat with him the other night. there will certainly be a indirect amends made at his graveside, some where down the line. the living amends i need to make, is something i am barely willing to do.
so i need to get out in this frosty. icy morning, pound out a few steps and allow the physical world to intrude on my emotional state to start the healing process. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to own my feelings and allow myself the freedom just to be, whatever.

∞ DT ∞