Blog entry for:

think differently, as i learn to act in ways that were once foreign to me. i know a whole lot about putting up a front and acting in a manner to fit into this crowd or that. i practiced that behavior for decades and had it down pat. i know how to pretend that i am something i am not, been there done that, certainly have more than one T-shirt. what i have often missed when going down the path that this is all about fronting something i am not, is that it is certainly something i practiced for a long time, even before i became a member. this reading is more about behaving in a new manner, rather than pretending to be something i am not.
when i got clean and “used” my first sponsor's HIGHER POWER, even though i did not believe, i was trying out something new. i was opening my mind to a possibility and even though it always “felt” wrong, i was still willing to give it my best shot. unfortunately, for me anyhow, that led to a spiritual confusion that lasted the first eighteen years of my recovery. that is the consequence for ending up in a fellowship where i did not belong and working a set of steps that focused on what i was not. i do not blame those members who gave me their best stuff, it just was not for me, BUT what they did give me, was enough willingness and open-mindedness to make a commitment when things got too tough for me to handle on my own. it may have taken the better part of two decades to grow into my spiritual path, but it was a journey that started on my knees, long before i ever believed in anything.
the reading brings up another behavior that i have been working on in the “as-if” paradigm, namely social interaction. i am not good at being social. i am awkward and anxious every time i am in a group of people. i never learned how to make “small talk,” and struggle to stay engaged. all of this is true and more than likely what led to my diagnosis of panic disorder, way back when. i GET why that shrink said drugs saved me from agoraphobia, it was the drugs that allowed me to go out, even though in the end, they isolated me from the world. having to participate in meetings, and social events with my local fellowship, is teaching me, that i can be myself and i can learn to be less socially inept. by making small-talk, hanging with people i barely know and allowing others to get to know me, i become more socially connected and less fearful of social situations.
i am, however, out of time, as i tried to get my birthday present set-up to use. that little bit of obsession cost me too many minutes this morning. it is what it is, consequences and now i have to get ready to hit the dusty trail to work. it is a good day to be celebrating the end of my 61ST year on this world, even if not everything has gone as planned.

∞ DT ∞