Blog entry for:

is not honest! acting as if i do not care that someone just trounced on my feelings, that is dishonest. standing up and confidently sharing my story in front of a thousand addicts when i am so scared i may defecate myself at any time, that is acting ‘as if’, not that i am going to be put in that situation any time soon. the point i heard this morning, and what seems like many times before, is that what this path of recovery is teaching me is not to cover up my feelings and pretend they do not exist, rather to acknowledge them, feel them and then act i a manner that is not be default behavior.
tromp on my feelings? most of the time i feel angry. saying “that it is okay,” when it really is not is dishonest. owning that i am hurt and speaking to the alleged perpetrator, as calmly and rationally as my anger allows, that is acting ‘as if’. as much as i would love to say that i have NEVER used acting ‘as if’ to justify flat out dishonesty, that in and of itself would be dishonest. i am a people-pleaser and master manipulator, so acting ‘as if’ when i am not really, is just part of the package!
a year ago, as i was starting to come to terms with having a spiritual path outside the norm for my local fellowship, i would have said i was acting ‘as if’ when all i was trying to do was not be so odd and fit in. today, when i use those same terms that stuck in my craw and made me feel dirty and dishonest, i do so without any trepidation or feelings of dishonesty.

for me
• GOD equals the POWER that fuels my recovery.
• Loving and caring equals the spiritual abundance i receive daily
• and prayer is an acknowledgement and a surrender, that i cannot do this MYSELF.

that little bit of my HIGHER POWER / SPIRITUAL PATH elevator pitch, returned me to the fold, and i am not compromising what i believe to express a commonality with my peers. the days of being someone i am not, or at least desiring to be someone i am not, are mostly at an end. when i try and find a path away from my peers, it is because i am acting ‘as if’ i do not NEED them, their brand of recovery, or anything else. i am being stubborn and more than a little bit recalcitrant because there is certainly a part of m,e, that wants to be free, and that part believes free means without rules, constraints or anyone ever telling me what to do. guess what, if i really believe that, there will be all kinds of people lined up at my door, to sell me the next and best MLM scheme, that will make me a millionaire overnight.
so on this 59TH anniversary of my arrival upon the third rock from the sun, i am especially happy to say, that i am surprised i have lasted this long. i am grateful i have the means at my disposal to be a part of, and no longer need to feel that i am acting ‘as if’ i want to be here, on this planet or a part of my life, my recovery and my fellowship. time to wrap this up and head out of the rain and into the snow, as at least for right now, i will not be constrained by the weather.

∞ DT ∞