Blog entry for:

i thought that i was always supposed to be honest about my feelings in recovery. for the longest time, this seemed so wrong to me, even though i did it, at the urging of my sponsor and other members, and continue doing so today. what i discovered was they were not telling me to deny my feelings, stuff my feelings or anything to do with feelings. in fact they were pretty adamant about feeling whatever feelings i was feeling, BUT behaving differently. just because i am angry, does not mean that i ghave to destroy something or someone. just because i am depressed, does not mean that i have to lay around in bed, with the covers over my head waiting for the feeling to pass. and most importantly, just because i am afraid, does not mean that i have to cower in frozen terror, doing nothing. in each of those instances i can BEHAVE in a manner that is contrary to my addict intuition and walk forward with a bit of courage.
there really is no dishonesty involved, when i really look at it, and perhaps that is a rationalization, and if so, it is quite a sweet one. there are analogous examples in active addiction to behaving differently that what i felt like doing. like the first time i ever did something i said i was never going to do, be it a substance or a delivery method. i do remember the fear i felt, and yet i acted as if it was no biggie, and was actually something i had wanted to do forever. so why was i so resistant to such actions in recovery?
well it just felt wrong and false. it felt like the bravado i showed in active addiction but after a while i saw the difference. the bravado i demonstrated was denial of my feelings. i knew that what i was doing was against my core values, and yet went forward with the action. in recovery, i may be afraid, but anytime i have been asked to face my my FEAR and walk forward **as if,** it has been behaviors that are bot only in line with my moral values, but more than likely are in sync with the will of my HIGHER POWER. that is the difference, living in alignment with my values rather than in opposition.
so anyhow, it is my birthday and i need to hit the streets before it gets too much later, yes it is true, that today i am 52 years old -- and i am committed to making this another year where i do what i need to do to make help myself be healthier and live a more full life, without falling into the aging decrepitude. i know i cannot stop the aging process, nor am i resistant to the diseases of getting older, but there are steps i can take to be healthier and have a fuller, more active life. so my commitment, as my birthday present to me, is to make the choices i need to make to be healthier, more fit and as a result happier with myself and the world around me, those choices are not only physical fitness, but include the spiritual and emotional fitness i receive as i practice a program of recovery.
okay it really is off to the races now.

∞ DT ∞