Blog entry for:

honest about my feelings is not something i ever thought i would want to do. after exactly sixty-five trips around Sol, i am getting to be that sort of person who can be honest about what he feels and not hold in, what i need to express. on this day, i have a mixed bag of emotions. sad at the anniversary of my Dad's death and joyful that i have survived another year clean. my Dad gave me the best birthday gift he possibly could a year ago, and in my own self-centered manner, i am grateful that he passed the night before my birthday. close enough for me to honor him and yet far enough away that i do not share the anniversary of his demise with the anniversary of my creation. to say anything different would be dishonest and certainly not acting “as-if.”
i could comment on the behavior of others now that i have my “BIG” stuff out of the way. as tempted as i may be, why should i waste any keystrokes or time on their self-absorbed behavior, as they just do not get it. being a selfish manipulator is what they are well-practiced at being, so why would i believe that they might have the desire to change. i have been there and done that and if not for the path of recovery, i would have continued to live in that same vein, oblivious to what i was doing until i ended up all alone with only a TV for company, wondering how everyone could “desert” me, in my time of need.
being all alone with nothing but a TV for company is a way of life i remember, as that was how my final years of active addiction played out. i was asocial, mostly unlikable and clueless as to the why of all of that. in fact, it got so bad, that i did not really care, as my own company and what i chose to watch on TV was more than adequate for the level of effort i was willing to put into living my life. and so it went, until i came to recovery and finally woke up to the idea that was part and parcel of my prison and IF i wanted to have people in my life, i would have to learn how to welcome them in my life and act “as-if” i wanted others in my life, even though i was scared shitless of letting anyone in. alone meant mostly pain-free and pain-free was what i was striving for, back in those days.
today, i want to be a part of living and living my life. i am not ready to give up being active and fit enough to go out and enjoy what this day may bring, even when it may not bring me joy. i live my life, just for today and just for today, i will be an active part of living a life worth living. i am, after all, deserving of being the best person i can be today.

∞ DT ∞