Blog entry for:

ONE of the strong attractions of meetings, IS the atmosphere of laughter and relaxation. as i procrastinate writing this, i realize that although there are many paths i can take, there really is one that is ringing in my head and my heart. honestly, i want to write something that is pithy, succinct and goes directly to what i am feeling, but i know that more than likely i will have to stumble and fumble around a bit to get out what is going on.
first off, i more than likely will diverge very little from the politically correct party line here. so if you are expecting a trash of this particular topic on this particular day, you may as well give it up right now, as it ain't in the cards today. i really have learned how to have fun, take myself and my life a little less seriously and look at the absurdity of my actions and behaviors, in active addiction, in abstinence and yes even in active recovery. part of allowing myself to be human, is to allow myself to make a mistake or three on a daily basis. some are just silly little faux-pas, others are more serious and may require serious attention, but all are the result of my human condition and the fact that i am an addict, pure and simple. when i was in active addiction, i DID not allow my mistakes to be visible. or perhaps better put, I DID MY BEST TO BURY MY MISTAKES, sort of like a bad country doctor. everyone noticed something, but lacked a any definitive evidence, so it generally passed into the dustbin of history with very little fanfare. bringing that sort of attitude and set of behaviors into the rooms, i was astonished to hear others sharing about their mistakes as if they were no big deal, something to regret, laugh about and move on. that almost drove me from recovery, as i could NEVER see myself reaching that state, after all, if everyone knew the extent of how imperfect i was, they would never trust, like or love me, so how was this any better than the life i was leaving?
as i stuck around and allowed myself to feel my way into the rooms, i realized that those people were cut from the same cloth and most importantly they understood what it was i was thinking, as i struggled to get this gig. they had learned to laugh at their mistake, foibles and imperfections and share honestly about them, in an open manner. so IF they could do it and their worlds did not collapse upon them, perhaps i could as well.
some days later, i realize, that i am more than the sum of my bad behaviors and addiction. i am becoming a man for the first time in my life, even though i am clueless about what a man really is. i have come to accept responsibility and most importantly allow others to the absurdity of what goes on in my mind. and yes i am having fun today!
on that note it is time to suit up and hit the streets for a long and relaxing run. distance is all that matters ,but i know i will be looking at my time as well, so why lie to myself or you. and yes even that is part of the fun my life has become!
until next time, be well!

∞ DT ∞