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dimmer switch, is certainly an idea i seem to have grasped intuitively, after more than a few minutes on my recovery journey. i know that when i came to recovery, everything was black or white, on or off, there was no room in my paradigm for any shades of gray and it certainly stifled my growth for far longer than necessary. learning how to temper my world into one where there are tons of settings between on and off, should not have been that hard for me, as i know there are an infinite number of values between zero and one, and yet i was quite certain that zero and one were the only answers. these days i am more than willing to peek between binary answers and find a better way. there is only one binary principle left in my life, i am either clean or i am not. doing the almost correct next thing or just enough recovery work to get by are certainly choices i have learned to make by staying clean.
i have to admit that on my drive home i was a bit angry at my friend who chose to show up two minutes late for our walk. this is not out of the ordinary for him and it took me back to the event on Thursday when i asked to reschedule our weekly call and he was unable to accommodate me. i felt justified in my simmering anger, telling myself that at times i feel as if his time is more valuable than mine. i got home and he called to apologize and i forgave him, but i will keep on him about being punctual. what really was happening is the person who volunteered to set-up for our home group flaked out again and it fell to me to open the doors. our group suspected that as a FNG, he might have “issues” with showing up for his service commitment and that is why one of us has been showing up to make sure the doors were opened on time and the meeting ready to go. i was “volun-told” that i was that guy for a few weeks and i have been living up to my commitment, grudgingly and far from joyously. the fact is, i did that task for years on end and as a result feel as if i am “entitled” to being a member who c=shows up and everything is ready to go. the fact is, it is my home group and as home group member it is my responsibility to make sure that everything that needs to happen, does and it is time for me to let go of what i feel entitled to, put on my “big boy” pants and do the next right thing, which means being there for my home group. 😭 😭 😭
i can be okay, if i allow myself to see that serving my peers is not a bad thing. i can be okay if i allow my peers, friend and family members to be human with many of the same frailties i myself have. i can be okay if i let go of my expectations and turn up the cynicism dial just a hair, so i no longer “expect” everyone to do everything perfectly, just for today.

∞ DT ∞