Blog entry for:

yes, i am having fun now.
for the first time in a week or six days anyhow, when i sat last night and this morning, it was all about me and not about how far the idiocy of others had gone in that 24 hours slice of heaven. as i drove home from Broomfield last night, there was a sense of peace and joy, that suddenly and forcefully took over my emotional state. my internal struggles with the drama of others may not be over, but at least for right now, i can let all that shite go and move forward, in fact moving so forward as to considering working from home again today. that is is still a major possibility and i will make that decision by the time i get through this.
as i was growing up and across the course of my active addiction, i was always pretty grim and somber. i had a cynical and sarcastic way about me and i could always make light of the worst situations, often at the expense of others. active addiction may have allowed m,me to be less than responsible but it certainly did not lighten me up. the jabs that are part of the give and take between me and my friends were meant to sting when coming from me, and i was butt-hurt so much of the time, that i was better off being alone.
by the time i arrived at the doors of recovery, i had most of the joy stripped from my life. even fun activities, such as whitewater rafting held little more than the momentary adrenaline rush and that was more time than not overlaid with a layer of chemical haze. all my world, fun and happiness included, existed on the other side of that chemical barrier and the side effects of using, created a numbing experience in all my emotional responses. when i got here, i was certainly amazed that those who were already here, seemed to be having a good time. i doubted this was the case, because they all seemed fairly similar to me, and i had long ago ceased to have very much fun. in fact, i assumed that, like me, they were putting on a show. my slow process of coming to recovery, even seven months later, when i finally was forced into a state of abstinence , did nothing to make me any happier nor have much more fun. i was still trying to fill that empty part of me, and material possessions became my new drug. fun, well that i had come to accept, would never be a part of my life, i just had to face it, i was far too serious and probably far too damaged to ever be able to lighten up again.
if that was the end of the story, i would not be here, writing this today. yes, i am still far too serious most of the time. yes i take my recovery seriously all of the time. when i can, and those moments are becoming more frequent on a daily basis. i can see my foibles, laugh at them and more importantly share them with my friends and my peers. the jib-jab of my relationships with my friends, no longer takes on the aspect of a duel to the death for me and for i am learning how to see a bit of brighter side of life. more importantly i can have fun with my friends, with my family and in this dark, dank world, regardless of who may be running fro president. my life in recovery, need not be drab, dull and joyless, unless of course i choose to make it that way.
well <drum roll please> the survey says: just head on down to the office, it is a good day to show up and be present there as well.

∞ DT ∞