Blog entry for:

content with my life in recovery. am i having fun yet? well based on the first four months of this year, maybe not. as i prepare to head to Montana, for another funeral, i have to take stock in what i see as my life these days and consider where i might be, had i decide to return to the “the life,” way back when. i do not need to go down that road this morning, but i am fairly certain that the life i have been given, is a gift of recovery, warts and all. one thing has been quite evident over the past few days, specifically there are relationships in my life that are far from equal and most of the time become struggles for power. as i improve my relationship with the “new” self that has emerged as a result of my FIFTH STEP, i am wondering whether or not i need to let go my expectations of achieving a balance in those relationships, or just go with the flow.
i look at the relationship i have with the men i sponsor as a partnership and although i may have some “power” in those relationships, i do my best to avoid tripping over the line. one of those relationships has become a power struggle that i am doing my best to keep from blowing up. he seems to want me to “tell” him what to do and take responsibility for his recovery. when i let go of what i “could” do, and attempt to guide him towards doing for himself, he resists and shuts down. that seems to be the pattern in all my power-based relationships: resistance and withdrawal. i know that what i want and need is not a function of how much power i possess, but is a function of how willing i am to pay attention to the world around me and seek the opportunities i am given to determine my own course. that vigilance is not self-dependency nor is it self-will run riot. i am quite certain of how much power i have and that my recovery is dependent upon the POWER that fuels my recovery.
as i prepare to head out into this morning, i can do my best to let go of the miles i will be traveling over the course of the next three days and my expectations of what i “should” be feeling. i have a life that allows me to be okay with who i am today, even if that is a brand new thing. i have a life that allows me to let go of the illusion of power that i once felt was my right. when i consider the past year, i can certainly be grateful that the pandemic has given me the opportunity to be a better me and move forward through the lies and inertia that have blocked me from being who i really am. i may not be the jolliest of jokers, but yes, for the most part, i am having fun now.

∞ DT ∞