Blog entry for:
Tue, May 6, 2014 07:34:19 AM
ρ today, i can laugh at myself and take a joke. ρ
posted: Tue, May 6, 2014 07:34:19 AM
i will lighten up and have some fun today. with that in mind, i will of course launch into a serious diatribe about this or that, maybe. ironically, what i heard when i sat down and listened this morning. lately there are people in my life, who are giving me a “slimy” feeling when i spend any time hanging with them.there is nothing overt in their actions, or at least nothing i have detected that provides the evidence for this growing distrust and unease, and yet there it is. i have gone through the maybe i am jealous route and that i am just being envious and petty. that worked for a bit, but in those cases usually i would be using my influence to undermine them. at least, that was how it was back in the day, so there may a bit of jealousy going on here, i am after all socially retarded and do not flow into a room of people as the life of the party. anyhow, i sigh as i get back from my distraction on FB. the question remains for me, how do i tell someone i think that they are being less than honest and not living with integrity, when i have nothing overt to back it up? the fact is, i do not, so i create some physical distance between us, until such time, i resolve whatever it is that is going on inside of me, or i discover that they are doing what i feel they are doing, and have some evidence.
that is part of what sucks about being in recovery. when i was in active addiction, i could trust my intuition to take me to the places i needed to be, deal with the people i needed to deal with and protect myself from discovery, almost all the time. in early recovery, i learned that my intuition was wrong about nearly everything, except feeding my addiction, when they say “first thought, WRONG!” it was quite true, back in those days. being clean, working a program of sorts, i am coming to see, that my intuition about people and situations, is returning to the finely honed machine, it once was, but i lack the evidence to act on some of the stuff i know intuitively is correct. so i vacillate between pretending and pulling away, always wondering when the hammer will come down and i will have to 'fess up.
am i having fun yet? well, just for today, i think a bit of distance will be a better bet than hanging out and simmering on a low boil. i think a bit of temporal distance would be good as well, and i can and will do my best to figure out, if it is me that is fVcked up or not. i did share that often i find, the problem lies with me and not the other party. it is time to pack it up, grab a shower and hit the trail over to Boulder, because i do still have a job today.
that is part of what sucks about being in recovery. when i was in active addiction, i could trust my intuition to take me to the places i needed to be, deal with the people i needed to deal with and protect myself from discovery, almost all the time. in early recovery, i learned that my intuition was wrong about nearly everything, except feeding my addiction, when they say “first thought, WRONG!” it was quite true, back in those days. being clean, working a program of sorts, i am coming to see, that my intuition about people and situations, is returning to the finely honed machine, it once was, but i lack the evidence to act on some of the stuff i know intuitively is correct. so i vacillate between pretending and pulling away, always wondering when the hammer will come down and i will have to 'fess up.
am i having fun yet? well, just for today, i think a bit of distance will be a better bet than hanging out and simmering on a low boil. i think a bit of temporal distance would be good as well, and i can and will do my best to figure out, if it is me that is fVcked up or not. i did share that often i find, the problem lies with me and not the other party. it is time to pack it up, grab a shower and hit the trail over to Boulder, because i do still have a job today.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
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α it is a welcome relief to enter a room and find people α 485 words ➥ Sunday, May 6, 2007 by: donnot
↔ imagine what would happen if a someone walked into a meeting and … 573 words ➥ Tuesday, May 6, 2008 by: donnot
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º i never thought i could get off drugs and be happy º 643 words ➥ Thursday, May 6, 2010 by: donnot
⇒ slowly but surely, i am learning to have the ability ⇐ 507 words ➥ Friday, May 6, 2011 by: donnot
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¿ am i having fun yet ? 525 words ➥ Wednesday, May 6, 2015 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
1) The skilful masters (of the Tao) in old times, with a subtle and
exquisite penetration, comprehended its mysteries, and were deep (also)
so as to elude men's knowledge. As they were thus beyond men's knowledge,
I will make an effort to describe of what sort they appeared to be.