Blog entry for:

the headline of my source material is the eternal question of whether or not we are having, yet. there are times when i feel this is a great question and others when it just strikes me as the wrong thing to be asking, given my circumstances. as i sat this morning, i wandered down the latter path and saw that even when i am hurting, it is still a valid question to ask. i can dwell in that house of pain, feel the feeling, but that does not mean i cannot lighten the fVck up and stop being such a grim-faced Grinch. life goes on, pain does pass and when i stop taking everything in my world so seriously, even my worse pain is lessened just a little bit. it is not as if i want to deny what i am feeling, nor play the happy go lucky everything is just peachy kind of addict, but i also do not need to bring everyone around me down to my level by forcing them to feel some pain. i can share mine, without allow them to respond as they will.
as i return to the top, the relief i felt way back when and the relief i feel today, is that i have more than enough examples of my peers living a life in recovery that is not all doom and gloom. if i had a choice to go back to the beginning and leave my recovery journey to return to the “the life” when the sword of justice was removed from my neck, i am not sure how much fun i would be having right now. i know those last years were fueled by risk-taking behaviors => bigger doses, faster cars, higher class rapids and idiotic free-climbing experiences. the fact that i did not die through all of that, is sort of a miracle and some of my peers might say that i was being spared by a HIGHER POWER for recovery. i may not go down the path of being predestined to recover, but i am at a loss as to what to attribute my survival. the fact is, if not for risk taking and daily doses, i would have been totally bored out of my gourd and certainly be wondering WTF is wrong with me. so it goes…
just for today, i can honestly say that yes i am having fun, even if my life is not a twenty-four seven laugh riot. i may have a peer or two who are stuck in the doom and gloom mode, and it may be my job to help them to find their way out of that. then again, maybe by allowing them to wallow in their particular houses p=of pain, they will uncover their own path to the lighthearted fellowship i call my recovery home. let me make this clear, i do take my recovery seriously, it is a matter of life or death for me, that does not mean i have to live in crisis mode nor do i have to take on the pain and mistakes of others, i have enough of my own.

∞ DT ∞